RitualsA basic part of relationship infrastructure, especially for 21st-century kids, is the creation of dependable rituals that anchor adult-child discussions. Millennium teens love rituals, in part because they live in either an overscheduled vise or virtual chaos. It is surprising how much that sophisticated kid sitting across from you needs rituals so badly. Rituals had their place in how early analysts conceived of treatment. They helped create a safe container, soothing enough to counter the pathological force of the family at home. The idea, especially with teens, was to help a pry a child away from the neurotic maw of his mother or father. Routines were part of creating an alternate emotional space. This aspect of Old World psychotherapy is a valuable carryover into the 21st century. But the rationale for postmodern rituals is different.
· Today’s kids do not need to be pried away from oppressive family routines. As my interviews with children of all ages revealed, far too few rituals go on in their day-to-day lives. Just about every child, regardless of age, brought up the lack of simple routines, “pizza and a video, hanging out, watching TV together.” Modern life is so frenetic, parent and child are headed in different directions during the day and well into the evening. Even when today’s family is home, family members rarely inhabit the same space – one is in kitchen, one is online, one is surfing for a TV show to watch – and a teenager may be doing all of these at the same time.
· The second family creates rituals that are missing in the homes of many kids. If anything, the competing force we face is the second family, not home life. Creating a place in which a child shares personally meaningful rituals with an adult may be a unique experience for teens. Rituals strengthen the unusual: a grown-up anchor and an alternative force to the grip of peers and tractionless homes. Rituals also provide comfort for kids, a welcome pause in their daily schedules. Familiar treatment routines create comfortable predictability in a teen’s life. And “comfort time” is exactly what the second family offers. This is in stark juxtaposition to everyday family life that often seems to be running off the tracks.
Old Can Be New Again
Twenty-first-century reasons for establishing old-fashioned rituals in treatment:
1. Makes kids feel less in the spotlight, less self-conscious.
2. Helps teens multitask-talk while doing something else.
3. Offers a path to their hidden concerns.
4. Allows kids to leave personalized “marks” on the relationship.
5. Provides the remnants of play for “grown-up-too-soon” teens.
6. Allows nonverbal communication for kids with language processing issues.
· The content of rituals offers clues about what is going on in kids’ lives. Kids create specific rituals that matter to them. Rituals are not only a way of collaborating, but a way to express oneself. Significantly, a teen can express him- or herself not only through language, but nonverbally, which for many adolescents is much less demanding. Through rituals we learn about issues that are not easy to discuss, about secrets and second-family life that may be hidden by casual or careful lying.
Rituals are as varied as is the imagination. The best way I can illustrate the idiosyncratic genius of kids is through examples. Following are some routines that kids came up with themselves or that we created together. In preparing this chapter, I saw, again, how routines express security needs for a frazzled generation, while revealing issues that are hard to bring up in words.
DetailsAdults in treatment try to get into the details of their lives. After all, grown-ups have chosen to be with you, to focus on certain problems, though not necessarily the ones they need to focus on. Decades of invisible habits, unconscious motivation, addictions, and rigid character armor bury truth. But at least the choice to work on problems is the client’s.
Paradoxically, while teens see their issues more clearly than most adults, they choose to be secretive with the prying grown-ups who have forced them into treatment. Except in rare cases, the decision to seek help is made by parents, the school, or the court. Your existence in the room is a reminder of a world they cannot control. And, even if a teen is less wary about opening up, they usually haven’t developed what school consultant Michael Nerny calls “emotional literacy.” Words to describe experiences don’t easily come. So, conversation about what really matters may be difficult.Therapist: How did you feel about the weekend?
Teen: It was okay.
Therapist: Didn’t you go to that party?
Teen: Yeah.
Therapist: Well, how was it?
Teen: Your know, we hung out and stuff. Not a pretty picture, but common with teenage clients. We have words to describe the phenomenon: defiance, therapy refusal, selective muteness. But that’s about the normal level of detail you’re spontaneously going to get. It is nowhere near enough for your client to feel as if you’re really in there with him or her – or for you to feel that the material is meaningful to the work.
Of course, the same practically mute adolescent is capable of revealing endless details to friends. In fact, I have come to understand that kids live in the details; teens, especially, are obsessed with them. But adults, even child professionals, often consider ordinary teen detail to be meaningless. This is a basic clinical dilemma; it is exactly the kind of endless detail we’ve been taught to evaluate as defensive that builds a strong connection. In work with adolescents, the nitty-gritty about what happened is the most direct pathway into a meaningful experience. “I can’t believe you’re interested in this stuff,” one teen after another remarks. I am. Seemingly trivial, insanely boring details tell me what he is actually doing, thinking, and feeling –and the high-risk decisions that must be made every day.
RemoCounseling.com
Teen Friendly and Family Counseling
Adolescent and Family Therapy
Southbury, Connecticut
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