In today's kid world, competition is often frowned upon or at least viewed as less important than other virtues as sportsmanship, comraderie and fairness. And though few would disagree with these ideas being most relevant, the idea of winners and losers has taken on a venomous perspective among many parents. Parents who believe that childrens' self-esteem hinges on social equitability and an "everyone gets a trophy" perspective fails to see that the adult world isn't always quite as generous.
There is nothing that pleases me more that witnessing my kids engaging in sports play with others and developing friendships. They learn numerous values about teamwork, unselfishness, commitment, humility and persistence, etc. But they should also be learning that life is at times highly competitive and that it is ok to work hard and pursue success. Although this should not come at the expense of the aforementioned values, it is essential that kids learn that they can pursue an "edge" early in life without feeling ashamed or apologetic. The reality of life is that 31 teams did not win the Superbowl and each of the losing teams can handle loss with grace and motivation for next year or they can pout and be bitter. Either way, competition will roll on whether we like it or not.
Losing can give kids the opportunity to see that success takes a lot of work. And, the reward of achieving should feel wonderful because of such commitment toward success. Self-esteem can and should be cultivated in numerous ways with children; not through having them falsely believe that competition should end without any heartache. Losing stinks! But adults can teach children how to lose with grace, how to benefit from failure and how to someday look back on the gift of competition. That is of course, if we don't shield them from its reality.
Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford, Connecticut.
