Too often teens shutdown conversations before they start because
the starting point was off. There is often an impatience among
parents to achieve results when working with teens that is simply
not realistic. In thinking about how to most efffectively connect with
teens its important to recognize that parents often have an agenda
that needs both consideration and communication to the parents that
it is part of the process but not the process. Teens are often very willing
to share their inner world, but it won't come at a parent or therapist's
pace. Kids desperately need to know that if an adult does not
understand, they do not pretend to. Sometimes the best way to
connect with an adolescent is by simply acknowledging that your have
no idea what's going on in their head, but you can only imagine it is
painful. This kind of honesty gives credibility to a therapist by not taking
an all-knowing perspective. Kids begin to see themselves as sharing in
an environment that is welcoming, free of judgment and accepting of
whatever commentary is yet to come.
The following article by Christina Grant, et al, denotes some of the
thoughts that should go into effectively doing therapy with adolescents.
Do you have an adolescent-friendly practice? Adolescents,
especially boys, underutilize the health care system (1).
Youth tend to use emergency departments or drop-in clinics,
making it difficult to develop an ongoing relationship with a
medical professional. Even though they are generally a
healthy population, we know that adolescents have medical
needs that must be addressed. Twenty per cent of teenagers in
North America have a serious health problem, most commonly,
obesity, asthma and eating disorders (2). Furthermore,
the top three causes of death in the 12- to 18-year-old age
group – motor vehicle traffic-related injury, suicide and homicide
(3) – are not related to disease, but to modifiable risk taking
behaviours. Altering these behaviours requires
partnership with the teenager. Thus, building a trusting and
ongoing relationship with a provider becomes central to preventive
health maintenance in this population. The goal of
the present paper was to enhance the health provider’s ability
to partner with teens by offering clinical pearls in the area of
history-taking, providing practical pointers for negotiating the
difficult issues around confidentiality and tips on integrating
the role of families in the setting of adolescent-friendly health
care.
YOUTH TALK
Adolescents are often remarkably forthcoming about
themselves when they feel safe. Keys to creating such an
atmosphere includes the assurance of confidentiality, a nonjudgemental
approach and recognition of the youth’s
personal autonomy. Conveying a nonjudgemental attitude
requires critical examination of one’s own beliefs, acceptance
that those beliefs might not be universally shared, and recognition
of how the teenagers’ beliefs and actions might pose a
potential threat to their health. Focusing on health promotion
rather than value promotion allows health care providers
to build a nonjudgemental and inviting atmosphere.
Interview adolescents alone
No matter how open teenagers are with their parents, or how
low risk their behaviour may appear to be, sensitive issues
should be broached with the teenager alone. Teenagers will
spare their parents from hearing information that is in some
way painful or that will risk altering the parent’s perception of
the teenager. Creating that ‘alone time’ depends on how the
office is set up, as well as the age of the adolescent. Calling
patients from the waiting room yourself allows some control as
to who will be brought into the examining room, initially.
Older adolescents typically feel comfortable coming in alone,
and parents can be reassured that they will have an opportunity
to speak with you later in the encounter. With the
younger or very anxious adolescent, or in situations in which
the parent is already in the room (such as an emergency room
visit), an abbreviated history can be obtained which should
address the immediate concerns of the parents, as well as allow
the parent or caregiver to provide key details (this is also an
obvious time to obtain the family history). Parents can then
be asked for some time alone with the adolescent as a means
of getting to know them better and addressing any of their
own health concerns. For the most part, parents are usually
quite willing to do this, if a few minutes are taken upfront to
explain the concept of adolescent-friendly care.
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Teenagers and parents are constantly trying to find ways to connect or disconnect depending on the individuals involved. Some try hard to get close to the other through words and others through simple gestures. Still others communicate through shared experiences. It is not so important how parents and teens stay connected so long as effort doesn't cease because of a false belief that teens do not want anything to do with the adult world.
Although teens may feel grossly misunderstood by most adults, they desperately want their parents to be the one's that rise above all the negative perceptions of teenagers and find a way to "get them." Sometimes the best way to convey your understanding to your teenager, is to simply acknowledge that you don't understand them or their situation and you want to with their help. This expression of vulnerability is humbling and helpful to teens that are trying to navigate their way through the difficult path leading to adulthood.
Family therapists are a good source of support to all family members who often are looking for understanding not just their challenging adolescent but also how they can be a more understanding parent, brother or sister. Family therapist are able to help track patterns that lead to cyclical pain and are able to detect strengths within individuals that are not always noticeable by all family members. When each family member begins to feel part of the the health of the family as oppossed to simply the cause of family distress, the possibilities for change become fascinating.
Connecting with teenagers often doesn't require much more than a quick love note, having a favorite snack available, giving a quick hug,sending a supportive text or stopping by their game for a half hour. Although these things seem practical, when done repeatedly they are the constant gestures that lead to a teenager feeling that my mom or dad is looking out for me. This far outweighs the absent parent who randomly sends an expensive gift or cash in the mail.
Angry adolescents are often angry because simply nobody is noticing what they are noticing. Sure adults are aware of their anger and even want something done about it. But what's missing is a willingness to better understand what lies beneath the anger, which is often a sadness from some unmet need. A need that is often as simplistic as the aforementioned.
Parents deeply love their kids and are often willing to do whatever it takes to hang on to what they have remaining of their emotional bond. Sometimes hanging means letting go of what previously seemed to make sense. That is, when disciplining a young child with firmness and some rigidity there may have been a positive outcome. However, this style of parenting, may have a finite period of success as teens struggle for their own voice and position of power in society. When adults can begin to allow teens to more readily voice their concerns, even when their ideas do not always sound useful, the opportunity for increased and more effective dialogue begins to develop.
Additional Thoughts
Parents often think that they must be creative or shell out large sums of money on events in order to intrigue their teenager enough to want to spend time with them. This can appear to be a useful idea, as the reality of money as providing greater opportunities to experience modern offerings is undeniable. However, it is not so much what you experience with your child that holds value with them as much as how they felt and experienced that time together. Staying connected and experiencing a broad range of experiences in a way that continues to build emotional closeness can happen in the absence of money or any thrill seeking adventure. That is to say that any experience, no matter how seemingly irrelevant has the capacity to create more closeness or distance.
It is essential for parents to think in terms of "little things" with greater frequency with teens as oppossed to "big things" that are hit or miss anyway and do not equate to closeness in and of itself. Day to day contact with the message of, "I care about the subtle parts of your life" will likely lead to a shared history of feeling mutually loved.
