Parents have a gazillion balls to juggle these days with little time for their own self care. Needless to say, it is important for parents to manage their time wisely. This often includes helping children and adolescents do the same. And in the process of helping our youngsters, it is vital to teach them how to become increasingly mindful- especially with the things that we no longer should have to.
Many times when kids are finished with meals they dash back to their previous activities. And typically parents will give them a gentle reminder to clear their plate as they go while other parents may have expectations that they help further with cleanup efforts. Once the expectations and routines are established, parents would be well served to teach their kids to be more mindful of these various responsibilities in their lives. For instance, constantly reminding your forgetful child to bring his plate over to the sink has a very different message than asking him, "What do you need to do before returning to playing? Even though it would be more convenient to skip this step and simply tell them what to do, it is in the question rather that the statement that develops the seeds of mindfulness. If kids never have to think for themselves because their parents are constantly managing their lives, they will choose mental complacency simply because it is the path of least resistance.
Parents simply need to challenge their adolescents to become aware of their responsibilities by asking questions to get their kids to think, plan, organize and take action. There is no better place to practice than in the home and no better place to observe the beauty of your child's development.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Teaching Adolescents an Optimistic Internal Dialogue
In recent years psychologists have discovered that pessimism is a trait that is able to be changed. Many cognitive psychologists have developed technologies for changing the thinking habits that many people fall into when they begin to flounder. Often these techniques can be taught by parents, teachers and therapists and works particularly well for school aged children. Teaching someone with negative or even depressive energy to change their thinking habits can be a tiresome process, but one that must be done.
Many therapists ask the question, “When does depression begin? What makes some kids more vulnerable to it than others? Why are some kids more resilient than others?”According to research more than a quarter of kids are significantly depressed at any given time, and at least 20 percent of kids experience more severe depression at least once during a 5 year period.
Once kids experience bouts of depression their likelihood of becoming pessimistic grossly increases. In addition, depression is likely to go away gradually overtime whereas pessimism is not as likely to shift. Once the teenage years emerge, if a child has already experienced some level of depression he or she is at great risk to re-experience it again. Research also suggests that many children first become depressed when their parents started fighting with each other. Parental conflict, changing family dynamics and poor communication skills between divorcing partners are heavy risk factors for the emerging teenage child.
It is not enough to merely teach kids to be optimistic in the face of conflict. Adolescents need ways of handling social situations as well . A combination of cognitive skills along with social skills will help kids become equipped with the tools to handle life’s setbacks.
Many parents, teachers and even therapists in the past 25 years have been tirelessly trying to help bolster kids self esteem. This has often been done through emphasizing how a child feels. Although this is an important part of the equation, it is simply not enough . Adolescents need to be taught how to master skills, overcome frustration and boredom and learn how to persist where they previously had given up. Parents and teachers are actually making children more vulnerable to depression when their sole emphasis is on self-esteem building at the exclusion of the aforementioned.
When praise is constantly echoed throughout each class and within the halls, as well as on every poster and every progress report and report card, kids soon learn to ignore such flattery, receiving it as less than sincere. Kids may wonder, “If everyone is special, then how could I be too?”
Encouraging motivation and optimism requires our own authentic optimism. But it also means helping kids develop the internal dialogue that will lead to the self-motivation, self-confidence and optimistic adolescents we hope our children to be. Teaching kids to accept frustration as part of life and developing the thinking to overcome this natural process is necessary to develop healthy and resilient young minds.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury and West Hartford and serves Watertown, Oxford, Roxbury, Monroe, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...
It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.
Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?
The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.
Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?
The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Adolescents and Sleep....
As if parenting weren't challenging enough- with constantly setting limits, balancing "Yes"'s with "No"'s, and helping keep kids from boredom. Trying to determine an appropriate summer bedtime with adolescents is often a parental dilemma as kids are keenly aware that their parents cannot default to the, "You need your rest, you've got school tomorrow," axiom.
So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.
On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.
There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.
Happy Parenting! :)
Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT
So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.
On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.
There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.
Happy Parenting! :)
Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Why Teens Are Not Happy :(
Teenagers are often looking for happiness in a world which often makes you chronically feel forever discontent. There are countless messages bombarding teens with what they need to be "happy-" the latest cell phone,ipad, ipod, itouch, ithis, ithat......it is no wonder that they are often chasing the ghost of happiness. They are challenged to tune out the vicious world of advertising and marketing madness and get acquainted with the internal voice- that voice that used to say playing outside in the woods or at the park was actually fun..Secondly, there are numerous teens across the globe who are in search of a better tomorrow and recognize that the starting place for that is in giving today. Teens who are not happy are often plagued by this "Me thinking" mentality. They need to quiet the voices of the sellers of the world and make room for the givers. Teens who make contributions to society are typically the happiest kids because they see a greater purpose than consuming resources and waiting for the adults to go away. They use the positive adults in their lives as a means to create a life that is filled with gratitude, giving and selflessness.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Four Tasks of Adolescence
Four Tasks of Adolescence
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.
2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.
3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.
4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.
2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.
3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.
4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Working with Adolescents and Parents
When working with adolescents and parents it is important to gauge the comfort level of teens with having their parents share the same space as them while discussing sensitive matter. Although this may be essential at some point in time it is important to not rush into family work to appease the parents when it could inadvertently harm the adolescent/therapist connection. Teens need to know that they are going to have some latitude and protection if they are not at their best when in sesion with their parents. If they are angry and it plays out aggressively, a teen needs to know that the therapist is equipped to reframe the behavior and express it in a way that won't further alient his parents or other family members.
Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.
Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut
Specializing in adolescent and couples issues
Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.
Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut
Specializing in adolescent and couples issues
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Couples experiencing depression
Many times couples enter into therapy where one or both partners is reporting feelings of depression or even a self-assessed depressive diagnosis. Depression is a clinical term that is often carelessly thrown around with little understanding of its actual condition. Rather than reiterate a mundane rant about the symptoms and causation that can be found in endless online reputable websites such as psychologytoday.com or nami.org, it is more useful to discuss how having a diagnosis helps and hinders a couples perception of therapeutic possibilities.
When a member of a coupleship reports that they have been depressed for years it can often establish an early tone in therapy that attempts to exonerate the depressed indivdual of responsibility. This can position the depressed person as the victim and thereby void of criticism as to his or her role in the relational downward spiral. It is important to think about oneself as on a level playing field with one's parnter to avoid an unlevel playing field whereby one member feels the sole responsibility for the destruction of a relationship. This burden to bear is one that is not typically justifiable nor will it set a precedence for the mutual responsibility that each member must have in an effort to create the change they desire.
On the other hand, when a member of a coupleship truly has a legitimate depressive diagnosis and their partner has a level of empathy and knowledge of their condition, it can allow for a level of sensitivity and adaptability in a partnership that is welcoming of support and compassion. When depression is understood as a condition that is not plaguing an individual, but rather, interfering in a couple's well-being, it can be viewed in a more manageable and empowering way. Relationships where couples have an ongoing desire to re-think and re-author their circumstances are at the greatest advantage when trying to create the kind of change that frees them from restrictive labels and reduces them to symptoms. People are more dynamic and resilient than their "condtions." Yet, when conditions have a legitimate basis, it is comforting to know that a truly clinically depressed individual has the companionship of a willing-to-understand partner.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Starting New with Teens
Parents and teens bump heads each day for a variety reasons. These need not be over analyzed but rather accepted as part of the daily growing pains of developmental changes and relationship evolution. Teens are submersed in the unfortunate position of jockeying between the longing for childhood past and the fear of the unknown world of adulthood. Neither seem that desirable and hence the discomfort of defining and dwelling in the place between is where the tension often rests.
There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.
Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.
There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.
Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Psychotherapy with the modern teenager
Psychotherapy has always been a place most teens would reject because its very essence exposes their well guarded privacy. Teens have much to protect and they are not about to lower their walls because we or their parents tell them to do so. It is a very delicate time in working with teens who are often hypervigilant of the intentions of their parents and therapists. It is ultra important to balance both not rushing a therapeutic relationship but also not conducting therapy in such a way that makes it seem void of any specific purpose. Teens will often reject over assertiveness as well as approaches that are overly playful and fearlful of addressing the "purple elephant." This brings us to the modern teenager who I believe desperately wants to connect with other adults but want to know that they "get it." This means not being afraid to expose the reported issues but can quickly reframe them in a way that can be digested by the teenager. This may include speaking their language for a period of time so that they feel understood.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Adolescent and Family Therapist
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and specializes
in adolescent and couples issues
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