Teaching Adolescents an Optimistic Internal Dialogue

In recent years psychologists have discovered that pessimism is a trait that is able to be changed. Many cognitive psychologists have developed technologies for changing the thinking habits that many people fall into when they begin to flounder. Often these techniques can be taught by parents, teachers and therapists and works particularly well for school aged children. Teaching someone with negative or even depressive energy to change their thinking habits can be a tiresome process, but one that must be done.

Many therapists ask the question, “When does depression begin? What makes some kids more vulnerable to it than others? Why are some kids more resilient than others?”According to research more than a quarter of kids are significantly depressed at any given time, and at least 20 percent of kids experience more severe depression at least once during a 5 year period.

Once kids experience bouts of depression their likelihood of becoming pessimistic grossly increases. In addition, depression is likely to go away gradually overtime whereas pessimism is not as likely to shift. Once the teenage years emerge, if a child has already experienced some level of depression he or she is at great risk to re-experience it again. Research also suggests that many children first become depressed when their parents started fighting with each other. Parental conflict, changing family dynamics and poor communication skills between divorcing partners are heavy risk factors for the emerging teenage child.

It is not enough to merely teach kids to be optimistic in the face of conflict. Adolescents need ways of handling social situations as well . A combination of cognitive skills along with social skills will help kids become equipped with the tools to handle life’s setbacks.

Many parents, teachers and even therapists in the past 25 years have been tirelessly trying to help bolster kids self esteem. This has often been done through emphasizing how a child feels. Although this is an important part of the equation, it is simply not enough . Adolescents need to be taught how to master skills, overcome frustration and boredom and learn how to persist where they previously had given up. Parents and teachers are actually making children more vulnerable to depression when their sole emphasis is on self-esteem building at the exclusion of the aforementioned.

When praise is constantly echoed throughout each class and within the halls, as well as on every poster and every progress report and report card, kids soon learn to ignore such flattery, receiving it as less than sincere. Kids may wonder, “If everyone is special, then how could I be too?”

Encouraging motivation and optimism requires our own authentic optimism. But it also means helping kids develop the internal dialogue that will lead to the self-motivation, self-confidence and optimistic adolescents we hope our children to be. Teaching kids to accept frustration as part of life and developing the thinking to overcome this natural process is necessary to develop healthy and resilient young minds.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury and West Hartford and serves Watertown, Oxford, Roxbury, Monroe, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...

It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.

Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?

The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.