Using humor in therapy

People are not getting the funny they need in their lives these days. From a tumbling economy to a divorce rate of 51% there is not as much to feel giddy about as yesteryear. But, to be fair there are many who continue to find the humor in life's misery whether it be as a coping mechanism or just an alternative to using drugs that feels pretty good. Either way, humor has a way of lightening difficult subject matter even if it does have sustenance over the long haul. There is a reason why 30 minute comedy sitcom tend to control the media market. People are desperate for laughter in their lives.

In therapy, there is typically a seriousness of purpose, as there should be, that kicks off the early part of treatment. And, although there is a need to understand such seriousness, it needn't come at the expense of light hearted humor that can relax and enable clients to feel at ease whereby lightness may not be so common anymore. This could be the much needed respite family's need to catapult there own humor. I am not talking about engaging in stand-up comedy as a therapist. But rather helping families put a gentler, even humorous spin on crazy circumstances to keep them from feeling that they are going crazy.

Adolescents' Perceptions of Interparental Conflict- Part 1

The influence whereby a child's perception is structured can be examined in terms of children's appraisals of interparental conflict and their recognition of parental control. Investigating early adolescents' perceptions of marital conflict across multiple domains is a task that I previously had studied.

It is hypothesized that a significant discrepancy exists among early adolescents' perceptions of the frequency and intensity of conflict, and their perceptions of family stability and perceived threat. More specifically, early adolescents' who do not feel the family stability is threatened by interparental conflict will report at least moderate levels of frequent and intense interparental conflict. It is additionally hypothesized that early adolescents perceiving little threat during interparental conflict will report at least moderalt levels of frequent and intense conflict among their parents. This hypothesis is based on prior research suggesting that because early adolescents' need for autonomy is not ashigh as mid to late adolescents', they may be likely to identify with intense episodes of conflict, yet maintain a protective state of perception regarding the family's stability and its threatening impact of them.

Rituals Help Ground Kids

RitualsA basic part of relationship infrastructure, especially for 21^st-century kids, is the creation of dependable rituals that anchor adult-child discussions. Millennium teens love rituals, in part because they live in either an overscheduled vise or virtual chaos. It is surprising how much that sophisticated kid sitting across from you needs rituals so badly. Rituals had their place in how early analysts conceived of treatment. They helped create a safe container, soothing enough to counter the pathological force of the family at home. The idea, especially with teens, was to help a  pry a child away from the neurotic maw of his mother or father. Routines were part of creating an alternate emotional space. This aspect of Old World psychotherapy is a valuable carryover into the 21^st century. But the rationale for postmodern rituals is different.

 

·         Today’s kids do not need to be pried away from oppressive family routines. As my interviews with children of all ages revealed, far too few rituals go on in their day-to-day lives. Just about every child, regardless of age, brought up the lack of simple routines, “pizza and a video, hanging out, watching TV together.” Modern life is so frenetic, parent and child are headed in different directions during the day and well into the evening. Even when today’s family is home, family members rarely inhabit the same space – one is in kitchen, one is online, one is surfing for a TV show to watch – and a teenager may be doing all of these at the same time.

·         The second family creates rituals that are missing in the homes of many kids. If anything, the competing force we face is the second family, not home life. Creating a place in which a child shares personally meaningful rituals with an adult may be a unique experience for teens. Rituals strengthen the unusual: a grown-up anchor and an alternative force to the grip of peers and tractionless homes. Rituals also provide comfort for kids, a welcome pause in their daily schedules. Familiar treatment routines create comfortable predictability in a teen’s life. And “comfort time” is exactly what the second family offers. This is in stark juxtaposition to everyday family life that often seems to be running off the tracks.

Old Can Be New Again

Twenty-first-century reasons for establishing old-fashioned rituals in treatment:

1.      Makes kids feel less in the spotlight, less self-conscious.

2.      Helps teens multitask-talk while doing something else.

3.      Offers a path to their hidden concerns.

4.      Allows kids to leave personalized “marks” on the relationship.

5.      Provides the remnants of play for “grown-up-too-soon” teens.

6.      Allows nonverbal communication for kids with language processing issues.

·         The content of rituals offers clues about what is going on in kids’ lives. Kids create specific rituals that matter to them. Rituals are not only a way of collaborating, but a way to express oneself. Significantly, a teen can express him- or herself not only through language, but nonverbally, which for many adolescents is much less demanding. Through rituals we learn about issues that are not easy to discuss, about secrets and second-family life that may be hidden by casual or careful lying.

            Rituals are as varied as is the imagination. The best way I can illustrate the idiosyncratic genius of kids is through examples. Following are some routines that kids came up with themselves or that we created together. In preparing this chapter, I saw, again, how routines express security needs for a frazzled generation, while revealing issues that are hard to bring up in words.(there are about ten different stories here as examples of different kinds of rituals that I left out but let me know if you want me to put them in)            A ritual is a work of creativity, interpersonal graffiti, so to speak – the ritual bears a child’s mark. It expresses the uniqueness of the relationship, the comfort and predictability of your space together. It is an anchor in an essentially chaotic life, not nearly predictable enough for the boy or girl you see in your office. It is often a concrete way to open up discussions, almost always leading to troublesome issues in the first family at home or the second family or peers.

 

DetailsAdults in treatment try to get into the details of their lives. After all, grown-ups have chosen to be with you, to focus on certain problems, though not necessarily the ones they need to focus on. Decades of invisible habits, unconscious motivation, addictions, and rigid character armor bury truth. But at least the choice to work on problems is the client’s.
            Paradoxically, while teens see their issues more clearly than most adults, they choose to be secretive with the prying grown-ups who have forced them into treatment. Except in rare cases, the decision to seek help is made by parents, the school, or the court. Your existence in the room is a reminder of a world they cannot control. And, even if a teen is less wary about opening up, they usually haven’t developed what school consultant Michael Nerny calls “emotional literacy.” Words to describe experiences don’t easily come. So, conversation about what really matters may be difficult.Therapist: How did you feel about the weekend?
Teen: It was okay.
Therapist: Didn’t you go to that party?
Teen: Yeah.
Therapist: Well, how was it?
Teen: Your know, we hung out and stuff.            Not a pretty picture, but common with teenage clients. We have words to describe the phenomenon: defiance, therapy refusal, selective muteness. But that’s about the normal level of detail you’re spontaneously going to get. It is nowhere near enough for your client to feel as if you’re really in there with him or her – or for you to feel that the material is meaningful to the work.
            Of course, the same practically mute adolescent is capable of revealing endless details to friends. In fact, I have come to understand that kids live in the details; teens, especially, are obsessed with them. But adults, even child professionals, often consider ordinary teen detail to be meaningless. This is a basic clinical dilemma; it is exactly the kind of endless detail we’ve been taught to evaluate as defensive that builds a strong connection. In work with adolescents, the nitty-gritty about what happened is the most direct pathway into a meaningful experience. “I can’t believe you’re interested in this stuff,” one teen after another remarks. I am. Seemingly trivial, insanely boring details tell me what he is actually doing, thinking, and feeling –and the high-risk decisions that must be made every day.



CT Family Counseling

Southbury, Connecticut
 

Teaching Children and Adolescents Self-Discipline and Moderation

Self-discipline and moderation

 

Teaching kids the importance of moderation is one the keys to helping them learn self-discipline;  and that we often don’t need as much in our lives as we think.  Moderation with food, exercise, speaking, money, time spent online or texting, television, and on an on. The ability to balance self-discipline with some spontaneity is a skill that needs to be taught to young people.

Self-discipline means many things: being able to motivate and manage yourself and your time, being able to control yourself and your temper, being able to control your appetite, etc. Self-discipline and moderation are profound and universal values because their presence helps us and others and their absence inevitably causes short or long term pain.

Creating a personal example regarding the value of discipline and moderation in all areas is a way to model that which parents desire for their adolescents. Example is the main method of learning for children. Make up your mind to control your temper, to save a percentage of your income, to live within your means, to not be a couch potato, to eat moderately and so on. Talk about the successes you have with your kids so they begin to notice that living a life of moderation is a happy and content place to be.

One way to help children appreciate moderation is by teaching them the simple practice of learning to count in their head to slow down their thinking. Helping them create a space for alternative thoughts gives them the abiity to decide whether or not a decision may or may not be in their best interest. Challenge children to count to ten whenever they begin to get angry or frustrated and remind them that it is designed to help them regain control of their thoughts and actions.

Having a family calendar can give children the security and comfort of certain things being predictable in their lives and providing a framework for the discipline needed to accomplish such things. Having a set breakfast or dinnertime at reasonably consistent time periods helps adolescents develop an internal sense of constancy in their life despite all the ambiguity that will come their way in the outside world.

Using the terms discipline and moderation frequently will help children understand them and connect them to everyday behavior. When you pass up a second helping of potatoes, say, “I’m going to use moderation and not eat too much- it will help be feel better. When you notice a child getting his homework done comment on his self-discipline. Make the words the “theme” of your communications and activities for a significant period of time.

Adding motivation to your child’s efforts to discipline himself by setting goals will help him/her feel that these virtues are worthy of reward. Having children set up certain objectives and attaching a reward to the accomplishment of those goals can give parents added opportunities for praise and can make children.

With adolescents, teaching the idea of work before play is really important. Encourage and award kids for looking around to do things to help the family without being asked. It wasn’t that long ago where it was commonplace for boys to wake up alongside their dads and join em from sunrise to sunset on the farm.

A family bank is a great way to help kids see the need for a collaborative effort to accomplish a goal. Giving older kids old checkbooks that they can practice writing in and having them write checks out to themselves whenever they accomplish a task that goes beyond what’s expected is a great way to help kids recognize that money is earned not just given out. Eventually having teens establish their own checking or savings account helps them inch closer to adulthood with some supervision and goals for saving and maintaining responsible finances.

Help kids bank the concept of discipline and moderation to memory by helping them create mantres or short sayings such as, “Mind over mattress” to overcome laziness or to avoid procrastination or “Seize the day” or anything that resonates with them.

Music is often an area of life that gets overlooked in significance. However, research has emerged in recent decades about the calming and nurturing impact it has on the mind and ability to stay focused. This gift can be transcended into all areas of life when problem-solving or trying to manage emotions during times of distress.

Teach your children how to set and reach goals. Kids often express their desire to become famous or to travel to expensive lands as the adult world smirks and sarcastically grins how it’s a great idea if you save your money. They don’t really believe it attainable but why not? Often the difference between a dream and a goal is simply planning, discipline and moderation. When a dream gets conversted into action steps it begins to look plausible. And with the right balance of motivation, discipline and moderation, kids will often reach their goals with the right support in place.

Praise, praise, praise. Kids are able to hear and respond to negative feedback. However, when inundated with praise, kids are more likely to feel a greater sense of self-worth and more of a willingness to respond to criticism when it comes their way. Instead of expressing irritation to children for not getting household jobs done, express honest praise and delight every time they do. Instead of saying to yourself, “I can’t believe Johnny is doing the dishes without being told,” say something out loud like, “I can’t tell you how much it lightens my load to have you see the dinner mess and get it cleaned up without even having to ask you to do it. You are getting so good at seeing what needs to be done and doing it on your own initiative!” the chances of the child repeating the act of self-discipline increases tenfold on the spot. The next time you walk through the family room and see two children playing nicely together, stop and tell them how it makes you feel, instead of getting angry at them when they argue. Every attempt to give honest praise is a solid-gold investment.

Teaching adolescents to fast is a way to help them recognize that indulgence is wasteful and that life often goes through changes that are unpredictable which means that although we have plenty now, there is no guarantee this will continue. It is also important to help them understand what feeling hungry really is like. I’m not talking about cutting off their food supply for a week but instead limiting kids food for weekend to the bare essentials like trail mix and water. This will often be an exciting experiment for kids who may emerge more appreciative of the abundance they enjoy.

Children and Therapy

Oftentimes parents are not willing to bring their young children to therapy because of fear that their teenager will expose them to issues that they are not comfortable with them witnessing as such an innocent age. Although this intention is noteworthy, disalllowing children from the process can often prevent a therapist from having a real sense of what the family looks and feels like and thus prevents him from getting an accurate sense of how the energy of the family plays out on a daily basis. In addition, young children may also have the ability to on some level create a level of temperance in teens to avoid the temptation of exploding for fear of upsetting the children. This physical reminder to maintain control may be the tangible element needed to allow for problem-solving that might otherwise not occur in a potentially more explosive environment. Young children also have the capacity to soften difficult talking points by virtue of their cute mannerism that can temporarily distract tough dialogue. Although this can at times be a distraction, it can also be telling to see who chooses to distract themselves from the therapeutic process and engage the children and who is able to acknowledge them yet still stay focused on the purpose of treatment. Children often hold the pulse of the family and a therapist can learn much from witnessing other family members interactions with them.

The role of siblings in family therapy

Oftentimes the "identified patient" in therapy continues to feel like a patient until he is able to see and believe that he is not the only one with problems in the family. Many times irate parents enter into a therapeutic relationships purging all their concerns about their angry, stubborn and shiftless teen. When a therapist is able to take a closer look at the role of the IP's siblings it can help redistribute some of the experienced anxiety in therapy to other members, thus making the purpose of treatment feel more balanced. Teens often feel backed into a corner from the onset, dodging bullets and making counter-claims that their parents are equally at fault for whatever they've been charged with. Having siblings in varying dyadic interactions engage in therapy can take on a different feel that can often be more productive than a teen trying to hold his own in a family forum. Teens do not like to put on stage when the energy is focused on their wrong-doing. Their pressing need to hold face and not be shown up is important for them to maintain their self-image. Having siblings discuss ways that they all can problem-solve together can allow heavy conversation to feel more manageable and prevent inevitable defensiveness in a paradigm that is often set up for them to "lose." When siblings are able to engage in a collaborative effort, they can move away from a blame-game approach to one in which they are working together for a shared benefit. This can then be shared with their parents as a means of avoiding the "black sheep" temptation.

Teenage boys and the locker room!

The locker room has always had a machismo persona attached to it when dealing with boys athletics. It's been a place of camraderie, game-planning, celebration and agony. But it has also been a place of cruelty. A place where the "weak" are not welcome and are reduced to prey from entitled predators. Often high-school athletes have been crowned "super special" by their peers, coaches and even themselves by virtue of running, kicking, throwing, shooting, tackling or manipulating their bodies or some ball in a way that is superior to the typical person. Is this lunacy or not? Why is the chess guy not revered or the computer geek who coded Mario Bros. (well I'm sure he is) or the dude that leads the improv club? Who decided that shooting steroids, treating girls like crap, seeing school as an obstacle to overcome and sporting a winning smile behind arrogant eyes is worthy of such noble notice? I abhor the locker room culture not because I was a target as I was an all-state athlete. But because I was often among other athletes that felt that they were better than other kids because they played a sport. In the big picture, no one truly gives a crap!

Adolescents and When to Involve Parents

It is not always easy to know when to have parents involved in the process of helping teens. Of course, traditional family therapists would not even hesitate to say immediately. However, there are conditions whereby giving a teenager permission to "size up" the therapist to deem his/her worthy of working with the family can be useful. Often teens do not buy into the idea of therapy and it can be helpful to form somewhat of a relationship before starting with family work when kids have historically felt teamed up on or in a one down position. Teens who are able to trust their therapist are at a far greater likelihood to hang in there during difficult moments in session and even be willing to be influence by the other family members comments. It is wonderful when teens will consider the suggestions of a family member who they would not ordinarily consider outside the therapeutic walls. Just getting teen to talk is a small victory as teens are often unwilling to share their thoughts and turn to journals, t.v. or sillence.

Teens and Solitude

Teens often need to learn how to spend time alone; or in a state of solitude. This is different than feeling lonely, but instead completely content and productive, even if in a state of stillness. There is a real need to teach kids how to be comfortable being by themselves and enjoying the company they keep. They often feel that they need to be doing something in order to be productive. Yet when teens can relax and learn how to stay plugged in to their own bodies, they are more likely to be content and not constantly chasing the excitement that never seems to be within reach of a teens' arms.

Teenagers and Sleep

Teens do not get nearly the sleep that they need. They are often amped up on Red Bull or Monster drinks and do not see sleep as essential to their academic success or overall health. It is important for parents to stay plugged in to the sleep habits of their kids and to be aware of any factors that may contribute toward sleep deprivation. Many kids report not sleeping, and staying up until 2 AM, whether it be because they are using facebook, texting, watching t.v., playing X-box or whatever. These things grossly interfere with the physical, mental and emotional well-being of teens. They simply are not getting the rest that their bodies require to function at optimal levels. There are numerous scholars that have discussed the importance of sleep as it pertains to energy, mental acuity and ability to adapt to changing circumstances, among other elements. When teens make the connection between sleep and performance, or simply overall wellness they are more likely to maintain an awareness of its importance. Being able to say "no" to their peers is one of the hardest things for teens to do. I have found that when teenagers are able to say "no" to their peers and thus "yes" to their own needs, it opens up windows of possibilities that they feel are often taken away if they miss out on the endless and often useless online fodder that litters nightly communication among young people. Teens who get regular and long durations of sleep tend to be more alert and involved in school and have more effective interactions with both peers and adults during wakeful hours. Those teens who burn the midgnight oil are at risk for a whole host of difficulties starting mainly with low energy, low tolerance for mundane school tasks, difficulty managing stress, and difficulty banking knowledge ot memory. I urge all adults to support teens by sending along a message of the importance of sleep. Even if a teen blows it off as useless, even enough adults share the message, it just may sink in.

 

RemoCounseling.com

Psychologytoday.com

RemoCounseling.com

Psychologytoday.com

 

Teenagers and Community Service

Teens that learn to care about others in the community, country or abroad learn the ability to empathize with others. This is a vital behavior in a narcissitic teen world that constantly perpetuates the idea of self-fullfillment. Our modern world of consumerism constantly tempts teens into making purchases to meet their immediate demands. Although these things are not needs, they have tapped into the adolescent psyche such that they can play off their weaknesses.

Teens and Marijuana

There has been a growing trend among teenagers to perceive marijuana as having little to no negative impact on their well-being. In an age in which THC levels have more than tripled since I was a young lad, it is a scary scenario when teens do not make any connection between pot usage and the potential for problems in their lives. It is true, that many teens have perceptually benefitted from marijuana by avoiding their problems. Of course, this is a temporary panacaea. However, it is difficult to penetrate teens on the idea that marijuana is a dangerous drug. Therefore, there is some use to the idea of discussing addiction across multiple areas of life. This can be a way of helping kids think about addiction in general and can keep the conversation from getting to risky. Teens will know what you're getting at if you make the connections. It's important to avoid any discussion of marijuana that has a lecture feel to it. It simply won't fly with teens and you will end up being told nothing or just what you want to hear. Either is useless. Developing a way to communicate more openly about the temptations in kids' lives will allow for the possibility of understanding and consideration of adult thoughts.

Teens and Music

A great way to connect with teens is through their music. This is not to suggest that you must tolerate all 100 of Eminem's puritanical tunes. But if you can get a sense as to what artist's they listen to it can not only tip you off as to their interests, but also give you a sense of the flavor of their music: ie., fun & playful, high energry, loud and angry, aggressive and controlling, etc. Songs that teens like can be great talking points as they can take the emphasis off of their direct issues and temporarily project onto a musician. This can then be later echoed back to them when appropriate down the road. Teen music often speaks to themes that are not always easy to comprehend by mere observation. There is a culture to today's teens that is not always simple to comprehend. The explosion of communication systems has created an exhausting flood of overload, in which teens are forced to feel part of despite their awareness of its uselessness. To help kids through music means to suspend judgment of hard-to-hear lyrics and ask questions that will probe deeper into an understanding of what the music means to them.



RemoCounseling.com