Bryon Remo Primer on Promoting Sibling Closeness

Many parents have grown up with stories of constant teasing, competing and jockeying for power with their siblings. These stories are often viewed as a “typical” part of childhood development within a family. Yet despite parents awareness of past sibling squabbling, they long for their offspring to have a closer relationship with less contentiousness and a greater appreciation for one another. Bryon Remo notes that parents today are so overwhelmed that the little aspects of parenting, which promote sibling closeness, often gets unattended to because of other demands. Yet it takes very little effort to send a daily message to one’s kids of the importance of kindness, sensitivity and forgiveness. When parents put the extra time into creating rituals that promote closeness, they often experience the joy of such efforts unexpectedly. Remo notes that he developed a system in his home in which he promotes 5 key points of emphasis that he wants his children to focus on- taking care of their minds, taking care of their bodies, taking care of their home, spirituality and caring for others. The emphasis of these is often on the caring for others piece, in which he rewards his children not simply for doing household tasks, but for being extra benevolent, thoughtful or caring to each other. Children want to please, but they often are at a loss for ways that they can express such. Bryon Remo suggests that parents take note of children’s natural tendencies and create opportunities for kids to further express their kindness with one another. For instance, if your child enjoys helping you or your spouse cook, have them cook something that they then serve to their brother or sister and pretend they are their waiter. This will allow them to be involved in something they enjoy that can also benefit their siblings. Siblings can and should be close but parents have quite a bit of say in how this will unfold. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford,CT. He also serves the communities of Oxford, Watertown, Woodbury, Seymour, Roxbury, Brookfield, Roxbury, Monroe, and Danbury.

Teaching Adolescents Mindfulness

Parents have a gazillion balls to juggle these days with little time for their own self care. Needless to say, it is important for parents to manage their time wisely. This often includes helping children and adolescents do the same. And in the process of helping our youngsters, it is vital to teach them how to become increasingly mindful- especially with the things that we no longer should have to.

Many times when kids are finished with meals they dash back to their previous activities. And typically parents will give them a gentle reminder to clear their plate as they go while other parents may have expectations that they help further with cleanup efforts. Once the expectations and routines are established, parents would be well served to teach their kids to be more mindful of these various responsibilities in their lives. For instance, constantly reminding your forgetful child to bring his plate over to the sink has a very different message than asking him, "What do you need to do before returning to playing? Even though it would be more convenient to skip this step and simply tell them what to do, it is in the question rather that the statement that develops the seeds of mindfulness. If kids never have to think for themselves because their parents are constantly managing their lives, they will choose mental complacency simply because it is the path of least resistance.

Parents simply need to challenge their adolescents to become aware of their responsibilities by asking questions to get their kids to think, plan, organize and take action. There is no better place to practice than in the home and no better place to observe the beauty of your child's development.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT


Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...

It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.

Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?

The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Adolescents and Sleep....

As if parenting weren't challenging enough- with constantly setting limits, balancing "Yes"'s with "No"'s, and helping keep kids from boredom. Trying to determine an appropriate summer bedtime with adolescents is often a parental dilemma as kids are keenly aware that their parents cannot default to the, "You need your rest, you've got school tomorrow," axiom.

So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.

On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.

There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.

Happy Parenting! :)

Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT

Working with Adolescents and Parents

When working with adolescents and parents it is important to gauge the comfort level of teens with having their parents share the same space as them while discussing sensitive matter. Although this may be essential at some point in time it is important to not rush into family work to appease the parents when it could inadvertently harm the adolescent/therapist connection. Teens need to know that they are going to have some latitude and protection if they are not at their best when in sesion with their parents. If they are angry and it plays out aggressively, a teen needs to know that the therapist is equipped to reframe the behavior and express it in a way that won't further alient his parents or other family members.

Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.

Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut

Specializing in adolescent and couples issues

Starting New with Teens

Parents and teens bump heads each day for a variety reasons. These need not be over analyzed but rather accepted as part of the daily growing pains of developmental changes and relationship evolution. Teens are submersed in the unfortunate position of jockeying between the longing for childhood past and the fear of the unknown world of adulthood. Neither seem that desirable and hence the discomfort of defining and dwelling in the place between is where the tension often rests.

There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.

Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.