Four Tasks of Adolescence

Four Tasks of Adolescence
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.

2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.

3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.

4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.


Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues

Working with Adolescents and Parents

When working with adolescents and parents it is important to gauge the comfort level of teens with having their parents share the same space as them while discussing sensitive matter. Although this may be essential at some point in time it is important to not rush into family work to appease the parents when it could inadvertently harm the adolescent/therapist connection. Teens need to know that they are going to have some latitude and protection if they are not at their best when in sesion with their parents. If they are angry and it plays out aggressively, a teen needs to know that the therapist is equipped to reframe the behavior and express it in a way that won't further alient his parents or other family members.

Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.

Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut

Specializing in adolescent and couples issues

Couples experiencing depression

Many times couples enter into therapy where one or both partners is reporting feelings of depression or even a self-assessed depressive diagnosis. Depression is a clinical term that is often carelessly thrown around with little understanding of its actual condition. Rather than reiterate a mundane rant about the symptoms and causation that can be found in endless online reputable websites such as psychologytoday.com or nami.org, it is more useful to discuss how having a diagnosis helps and hinders a couples perception of therapeutic possibilities.

When a member of a coupleship reports that they have been depressed for years it can often establish an early tone in therapy that attempts to exonerate the depressed indivdual of responsibility. This can position the depressed person as the victim and thereby void of criticism as to his or her role in the relational downward spiral. It is important to think about oneself as on a level playing field with one's parnter to avoid an unlevel playing field whereby one member feels the sole responsibility for the destruction of a relationship. This burden to bear is one that is not typically justifiable nor will it set a precedence for the mutual responsibility that each member must have in an effort to create the change they desire.

On the other hand, when a member of a coupleship truly has a legitimate depressive diagnosis and their partner has a level of empathy and knowledge of their condition, it can allow for a level of sensitivity and adaptability in a partnership that is welcoming of support and compassion. When depression is understood as a condition that is not plaguing an individual, but rather, interfering in a couple's well-being, it can be viewed in a more manageable and empowering way. Relationships where couples have an ongoing desire to re-think and re-author their circumstances are at the greatest advantage when trying to create the kind of change that frees them from restrictive labels and reduces them to symptoms. People are more dynamic and resilient than their "condtions." Yet, when conditions have a legitimate basis, it is comforting to know that a truly clinically depressed individual has the companionship of a willing-to-understand partner.

Adolescents and Psychotherapy: Using humor in therapy

Adolescents and Psychotherapy: Using humor in therapy

Starting New with Teens

Parents and teens bump heads each day for a variety reasons. These need not be over analyzed but rather accepted as part of the daily growing pains of developmental changes and relationship evolution. Teens are submersed in the unfortunate position of jockeying between the longing for childhood past and the fear of the unknown world of adulthood. Neither seem that desirable and hence the discomfort of defining and dwelling in the place between is where the tension often rests.

There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.

Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.

Psychotherapy with the modern teenager

Psychotherapy has always been a place most teens would reject because its very essence exposes their well guarded privacy. Teens have much to protect and they are not about to lower their walls because we or their parents tell them to do so. It is a very delicate time in working with teens who are often hypervigilant of the intentions of their parents and therapists. It is ultra important to balance both not rushing a therapeutic relationship but also not conducting therapy in such a way that makes it seem void of any specific purpose. Teens will often reject over assertiveness as well as approaches that are overly playful and fearlful of addressing the "purple elephant." This brings us to the modern teenager who I believe desperately wants to connect with other adults but want to know that they "get it." This means not being afraid to expose the reported issues but can quickly reframe them in a way that can be digested by the teenager. This may include speaking their language for a period of time so that they feel understood.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Adolescent and Family Therapist

Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and specializes
in adolescent and couples issues

Using humor in therapy

People are not getting the funny they need in their lives these days. From a tumbling economy to a divorce rate of 51% there is not as much to feel giddy about as yesteryear. But, to be fair there are many who continue to find the humor in life's misery whether it be as a coping mechanism or just an alternative to using drugs that feels pretty good. Either way, humor has a way of lightening difficult subject matter even if it does have sustenance over the long haul. There is a reason why 30 minute comedy sitcom tend to control the media market. People are desperate for laughter in their lives.

In therapy, there is typically a seriousness of purpose, as there should be, that kicks off the early part of treatment. And, although there is a need to understand such seriousness, it needn't come at the expense of light hearted humor that can relax and enable clients to feel at ease whereby lightness may not be so common anymore. This could be the much needed respite family's need to catapult there own humor. I am not talking about engaging in stand-up comedy as a therapist. But rather helping families put a gentler, even humorous spin on crazy circumstances to keep them from feeling that they are going crazy.