Self-Reliance Continued

It is your discussion after this game that teachers principles of sportsmanship and self-reliance. When a child rolls the die, say something like, “What did you get?” (A three.) “Is that good?” (I guess.) “Is it as good as a six?” (No.) “Whose fault is it that you didn’t get a six?” (Nobody’s.) “It just happened, didn’t it? Some things aren’t anyone’s fault. Should we be upset when we get a three, or a one?” (No.) “That’s right. You’ll probably do better next time. Let’s just be happy we’re all playing the game.”
When a child throws the beanbag, ask questions like, “what did you get?” (A one, because I came close.) “Do you wish you’d get a six?” (Yes.) “Whose fault is it that you didn’t get a six?” Is it the beanbag’s fault?” (No.) “Is it Billy’s fault for laughing when you tossed it?” (No, not really.) “Is it your fault?” (I guess.) “But you tried, didn’t you?” (Yes.) “Then it’s not anyone’s fault, is it?” You’ll just try again next time.”
As a child gets a high roll say, “Oh good –lucky for you.” And as he gets a low roll say, “Oh, well, better luck next time.” As he does well with the beanbag, say, “Good job.” And as he missed, say, “Nice try.” Encourage other children to say the same kinds of things.
When one child wins, be sure you and the other players congratulate him, and make sure he is a good winner and says, “I was lucky. Maybe you’ll win next time.” Be sure goodlosers are praised as much as good winners. Tell them that in the Good-Sport Game everyone wins who is a good sport no matter where his marker is on the board.
Introduce the term good sport. Explain sportsmanship as being a good winner and a good loser who doesn’t blame other people for what happens. Explain why everyone loves a good sport.
Then watch for chances to compliment children on any good-sportsmanship they show in normal activities.

Methods for Elementary School Age

Give Initiative – And Don’t Take it Back!
Let the laws of natural consequence work in your children’s day-to-day lives. As children turn seven or eight years old, try fully to implement the peg system described in the preceding section. Be sure they understand that the amount of their allowance on “payday” will be determined by how many pegs they put in. Encourage and remind them about their pegs for the first couple of weeks, but then sit them down and explain that from now on, “it’s up to you.” You’ll not be thinking about it or reminding them. If they remember and if they take the initiative, they’ll be rewarded and happy on payday. If they don’t, they’re likely to be sad and left out on payday.
Have the patience to let them suffer the “no money” consequences of forgetting, of procrastinating, or of inconsistency in getting their pegs in. Say, “whose fault is it?” and help them to see that it all depends on them, that they can do better next time and that they can be self-reliant!

The Self-Starter Award
Each week during this month, perhaps at the Sunday dinner table, present the Self-Starter Award to the family member who has taken the most intiative (acted with-out being asked or reminded) in getting his job done, pegs in, homework done, and so on. As always with awards, ask, “Who thinks they’re in the running for the Self-Starter Award for last week?” Help them think through and review the week just passed and praise them for every instance of self-starting or initiative-taking. Be sure they understand that self-starting means doing things without being asked or reminded and doing more than was expected or “going the extra mile.”

Let Your Children Buy Their Own Clothes
This can help children feel both the pleasures and the pitfalls of taking responsibility and being self-reliant. Once children have a way of earning their own money (the peg system just discussed), they should also have some responsibility for what they do with that money. Having them buy all their own clothes and personal effects with “their money” can provide tremendous learning experiences.

Consult Rather Than Manage
Put yourself in a role that maximizes your children’s development of self-reliance and self-knowledge. Try to notice what he likes and where his natural gifts and abilities lie rather than trying to decide what he will do and what he should be good at.
When he asks you to do his homework, say no. But tell him you’ll check it after he’s done and tell him it it’s right and help him on the parts he’s tried to do but still doesn’t understand.
As children are old enough to understand the terms, tell them that you want to be their consultant and not their manager. Explain that they are the ones who have to decide what they will do and how well they will do it and that you want to help but not force. (Be sure they can separate this consulting help and guidance that relate to their choices from the laws and absolutes that govern their behavior.)

Memorizing
Plant the concepts of self-reliance and full potential in your children’s minds. There is a simple song from a little-known children’s manual that we are very fond of. The first verse goes:
I’m the one who writes my own story
I decide the person I’ll be.
What goes in the plot, and what does not
is pretty much up to me.

Have your elementary school-age children memorize these lines. Explain the meaning and the writing metaphor. Discuss two basic questions in connection with the saying:

• If something doesn’t go just right for us, who is usually to blame? (Ourselves)
• Why is it important to be the best we can be? (That’s how we write the best story.)
A second phrase that could be memorized during this month is “Good – the enemy of best.”
Older elementary-age children will appreciate the interesting and somewhat subtle meaning of this phrase and will enjoy a discussion about how being content with “good” can keep us from discovering our very best. You might use some examples that compare good with best – a school grade of B instead of A, just “getting by” on our music lessons instead of learning the pieces perfectly, and so forth.
(Note: One way to motivate memorizing is to offer “extra points” on the peg system described earlier in this chapter. For example, a child who learned the saying might be able to add one or two extra pegs to this total during the Saturday payday.)

Emphasize Sportsmanship
Help the children consciously define sportsmanship as doing one’s best and being gracious and blaming no one but themselves for the results. As elementary-age children become involved in sports and other competitive activities, take every opportunity to praise effort and sportsmanship. Emphasize these two things far more than winning. Help children see that it is immature to blame others and mature to accept an outcome and be gracious to one’s opponent. Once again praise self-improvement and trying and deemphasize winning and losing.

Methods for Adolescents

The Gift List
This method is similar to “What I’m Good At” from Month 2, but with a twist. It will help young adolescents appreciate their uniqueness and will give you an opportunity to give them specific praise. Pick a segment of time when you are alone with your child – perhaps while driving somewhere together – and discuss his specific gifts and talents. Ask him what he thinks he’s particularly good at. Tell him your observations about his attributes and aptitudes. Be as specific as you can. Little things (“you always keep your school books in order”) are as important as big things (“you have a great aptitude for math – for anything quantitative”).
Let the discussion evolve into how unique each person is and how important it is, especially as we get older, to value and appreciate what we are rather than to waste time envying others.

The Problem List
This method can help adolescents focus on their shortcomings without inducing insecurity. Following your discussion of gifts, ask your adolescent what he considers to be his greatest weaknesses or problems. Keep your tone academic as well as interested. Do not imply either criticism or pity. Listen. Don’t say too much.
Help him realize that each problem or concern he thinks of does have a solution. There are things we can do about each of them. We can rely on ourselves (and on our faith in a higher power) to literally change who we are.

Discussion of Politics
This works to help adolescents see the practicality as well as the honor in accepting blame rather than making up excuses or cover-ups. At dinner or some other opportune time see how much your children know about Watergate and about the Iran-contra affair. Help them with details if necessary so that they know that Watergate involved a break-in and some illegal acts followed by a cover-up, and that Iran-contra involved selling arms illegally to Iran and funneling proceeds to the contras in Central America.
Ask if both the break-in and the arms sales and fund diversions were illegal. (Yes.) Ask what the difference was in how the two presidents responded (Nixon made excuses, participated in a cover-up, was not able to accept blame and be self-reliant in terms of admitting his mistakes. Reagan accepted blame and apologized publicly – to some extent at least – for mishandling or being ill informed of events.) Did the public judge the two men differently? (Most certainly.) How could this principle apply to us? (Discuss.)

Reassure “Late Bloomers”
This can help slow-maturing adolescents retain a good self-image. Have an open discussion with young adolescents about puberty and hormonal changes (as mentioned in the “peaceability” month). Include the point that each person matures on a different timetable. If you have a slow-maturing adolescent, assure him that he will catch up and that there are some advantages to a slower pace. If you can find the great Irwin Shaw short story “The Eighty-Yard Run,” read it out loud together. It is the story of a boy who makes a great run in his first game and then finds everything else to be anticlimactic. It is a good story to illustrate the advantages of gradual development and progress.
Avoid Overprotectiveness
Build your adolescents’ self-respect, self-confidence, and self-reliance. Have clear rules (curfew, etc.) but within these, trust your adolescents and make a point of telling them that you not only trust them but have confidence in their ability to handle themselves and the situations they find themselves in.
This principle applies to smaller children also. Too many well-meaning parents may prevent a skinned knee or broken arm by being overly protective physically, but in the process they may exert undue influence and diminish the feelings of self-reliance and self-control.