Seeking Understanding with Adolescents

Teenagers typically enter into therapy extremely guarded and ready to not share anything. I mean a deliberate plan to avoid discussing any matters of substance. It is clear from the start that the way to connecting with teens is not through problem exploration or even discussing feelings. To the contrary, that is the very thing teens will prove to all will not be discussed. So....when working with teens it is essential that therapists and parents do not accidentally artificialize the process by discussing what they enjoy for dinner but instead discuss ways that family members have connected in the past and how that was able to go so well. This can later segway into a discussion on how to re-enact those days now living in the teen years. Teens are so plugged into each word that is spoken, waiting to hear the subtle suggestion of criticism and ready to pounce through anger, defensiveness or withdrawal. The key is to not put teens on the hot seat before we are sure they can handle it. This is the art of therapy- knowing when you're connection is strong enough to begin challenging teens to take some ownership for their decisions. Teens truly do not give a shit what degrees you have hanging on your wall or what schools you have studied. What they want to know is whether or not you are willing to tolerate their inconsistencies, moodiness and anger and give them the freedom to navigate in and out of them without judgment. They want to know that therapists will be able to see the world through their lens. That they have some sense of contemporary issues and that they will not align themselves with their parents in a crafty way to manipulate them into changing their behavior. It truly helps when adults not only tolerate teens and adolescents, but really enjoy them. When a therapist sees the lost innocense in a boy's eyes and works deseperately to restore some of it, the teen is aware of those efforts because they are genuine. However, when an adolescent thinks that we are simply moving along from bulleted item to bulleted item in a long list of treatment plan goals, the human element can get lost. Seek to understand kids by listening first and challenging second.