The following information, published by Lima, discusses the different ways that parents can connect with their adolescent children, first by remembering their own adolescence, by being a good role model, providing opportunities for them to practice independence, showing appreciation for the things they do well, being willing to give instructions as opposed to demands, being willing to learn from teenagers, enjoying their sense of humor, expecting mutual respect, listening and hearing, and accepting who they are. This cannot always be an easy task especially when teenagers engage in high- risk behavior.
It is interesting how many people find it amazing as therapists why we would want to work with adolescents when I do not perceive them as any more difficult to work with than other populations. In fact, they are not only tolerable, they can be quite enjoyable, entertaining, insightful and candid. When given the right space to express how they feel, it is no surprise, at least to those who work with this population, that teens can be wonderful clients to work with. When parents participate and begin to show the same level of reverence for their teen as the therapist does, it often sets the stage for great possibilities within families.
Remembering Your Youth
Working with adolescents is really just a part of every day living. After all young people make up a large,visible and usually very audible segment of our population. Even if you just go out to the store, go to the movies, go to church, go anywhere you are going to have to deal with adolescents just in passing. All of my working life, which now totals more than 30 years , it has been my privilege and many times my pleasure to work with adolescents. First as a camp director, then as a high school history teacher and finally for many years as a religious education director, I went to work each day knowing that I would be either teaching , directing or leading young people. It wasn't always easy and there were times when I really wondered why I took these jobs, but in the end I always came back to the real joy that generally came from working with adolescents. Over the years I have found that these ten keys make up a pretty good survival kit for anyone working with adolescents.

1, Remember your own adolescence. One of the most important keys for working with adolescents is definitely to think back to your own youth and remember what it was like. Bringing your own past behaviors to mind can often make some of what you see adolescents do today seem more understandable. The more you can connect their actions and words with your own from by gone days, the smoother the sailing will be for everyone. Adolescents are not monsters or mutants, they are young people in the process of growing up, just like you were . Their styles of dress, music, language and manners may not measure up to adult standards and they may seem like they have a subculture all their own. That's because they do, they need it to survive the in between feeling they have being no longer children and not yet adults. Remembering your own teen days will help to build some compassion and understanding into your attempts to work with adolescents.

2. Give adolescents a good role model. Teens can be as judgmental as any other age group, and perhaps more so. Teens often feel that everyone is coming down on them and judging them, or that they can never live up to

what is being asked of them in school, at work or at home. You can help teens to deal with the world around them by placing before them each day a good role model as an adult. You don't need to be the "Teacher of the Year", the best youth director ever or a flawless boss. But what you can do is show young people by your words and actions a good human being trying to do their best each day. Giving young people an everyday example of honesty, integrity, fairness. and humanity will help to set the tone for your relationship and your work together. It may also be an example which quietly has its own effect on the way the young person tries to live and work as well.

3.Give them independence and a chance to show what they can do. In my experience, one thing was frequently visible in working with adolescents. They often feel constrained by adult ways of doing things. They feel too structured and too controlled by the adult system in place around them. Lots of teens feel the desire to break out, to do their own thing. A great key to working with adolescents is to turn the desire of young people for independence into a asset rather than a liability. Find ways within the context of your relationship to let young people have a little independence, to make decisions and in effect to show both you and themselves what they can do . More often than not you will be rewarded with better work, more enthusiasm and a cooperative feeling that will carry over to all of the work that you do with a group of adolescents. They know that there have to be rules and that adults are in charge but will often flourish if allowed to step around the rules and take responsibility in some defined areas .

4. Show appreciation for their unique abilities and qualities. Whether you are working with adolescents as a teacher, youth leader or boss it is still a relationship between two human beings. While the relationship is not an equal one, it still can be one in which you, as the person in charge, can show young people how much you appreciate who they are and the skills and qualities they possess. Too often I have found that adults working with teens forget how much we all like to be recognized for what is special in our makeup. This feeling doesn't just develop when we become adults, it is part of being human beings. Telling a young person that you appreciate their punctuality, cooperative spirit, enthusiasm, good example, kindness, sense of fair play , or pleasant nature can change the whole dynamic between you and the adolescent. They will begin to take a bit more pride in who they are and you are likely to see a whole lot more of whatever you complimented them on. You may begin to notice other positive aspects of the young person's behavior and better manage those times when they don't quite measure up.

. Give instructions, not orders. Young people are often at that point in their lives when they can be highly sensitive to a tone or the way in which communication is handled. If you are looking for a key to working with adolescents , remember to give instructions to them that are clear, concise and most important not condescending. Directions that are short and to the point instead of repetitive make the young person feel as if you know that you get the point, you respect their intelligence. You need also to make sure that when you give directions they are not given in a condescending way. No one likes to be talked down to, especially teens who already feel as if they are some kind of underlings. Speaking from one human being to another is the approach that will get you the best results and will create the best atmosphere.

6. Be willing to learn from an adolescent. One thing that for me always helped to cement relationships with teens under my direction was working at my own willingness to learn from teens. Adults too often start from the presumption that naturally we know the best and quickest way to accomplish a task. The truth may be altogether different. In today's technology heavy world, young people often have a real edge in working with equipment and as I often said to my charges "anything that has lots of buttons". Adults who stubbornly insist on doing it their way or the old fashioned way make a mistake by not including young people in the process. Adolescents love a chance to teach, just as adults do. There are lots of instances when the very best thing you can do is invite in the expertise of a teen and be willing to listen respectfully to the knowledge he or she can impart.

7. Enjoy their humor. Some of the very funniest things I have ever heard or seen acted out in front of me have come from adolescents. Their is an innocence and an enthusiasm in their humor that adults cannot reproduce. Allowing kids occasionally to be funny and to show their funny side allows them to be themselves and to be creative. You don't want to work with a bunch of teens who are out of control and spending all their time joking around. You do want humor to be part of your relationship, it's a vital part of our humanity. Stifling adolescents and their humor is a bad idea all the way around.

8. Insist on their respect and reciprocate. A very important key to working with adolescents is insisting that they treat you with respect. No adult is comfortable working with teens in any capacity who are rude or disrespectful. But while you should insist on their respect you will find it easier to achieve if you reciprocate the deal and give them respect as well. Kids don't like to be treated without respect any more than do adults. As the person in charge one of the best keys to working with adolescents needs to be developing, not just individual respect for you as the leader , but a climate of respect that embraces everyone.

9. Don't just listen, hear. Adults are busy people . Too often our fast moving schedule gets in the way of really understanding what is said to us. This can be disastrous when working with adolescents. In conversations with teens there is often lots more going on than the individual words indicate. So it may not be enough to stand and listen to what a young person is saying word for word. It may be necessary to go a step further and as the adult in charge really hear what the words are trying to say. "I don't feel like doing this" for example might not just be laziness but may give a hint that something isn't going well in this young person's life that is turning him or her away from what you have planned. If you work with teens. you really have to develop a second level of hearing that goes beyond the words and works on translating the hidden meaning that sometimes is there.

10. See adolescents as who they are. Perhaps the most important key to working with adolescents is really one that applies across the whole gamut of our human relationships. It's just that some times we forget to include teens in that group. The most important thing that you can do in working with adolescents is to see them for who they really are. They are not just part of a huge stereotype of all teens . They are individuals who may like hanging out with other teens but who also have their very own hopes, dreams and problems. Seeing them as individuals with names and addresses, parents and siblings can make working with them a much more personal and pleasant task.

As adults working with teens, we all have a responsibility not only to see them as individuals but to recognize that, like the rest of us, teens after all are people in the act of becoming. They, like we, are are works in progress . Knowing how fortunate we are to have a chance to foster that development can make remembering all the other keys to working with adolescence well worth the effort

learn from them