As if parenting weren't challenging enough- with constantly setting limits, balancing "Yes"'s with "No"'s, and helping keep kids from boredom. Trying to determine an appropriate summer bedtime with adolescents is often a parental dilemma as kids are keenly aware that their parents cannot default to the, "You need your rest, you've got school tomorrow," axiom.
So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.
On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.
There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.
Happy Parenting! :)
Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Why Teens Are Not Happy :(
Teenagers are often looking for happiness in a world which often makes you chronically feel forever discontent. There are countless messages bombarding teens with what they need to be "happy-" the latest cell phone,ipad, ipod, itouch, ithis, ithat......it is no wonder that they are often chasing the ghost of happiness. They are challenged to tune out the vicious world of advertising and marketing madness and get acquainted with the internal voice- that voice that used to say playing outside in the woods or at the park was actually fun..Secondly, there are numerous teens across the globe who are in search of a better tomorrow and recognize that the starting place for that is in giving today. Teens who are not happy are often plagued by this "Me thinking" mentality. They need to quiet the voices of the sellers of the world and make room for the givers. Teens who make contributions to society are typically the happiest kids because they see a greater purpose than consuming resources and waiting for the adults to go away. They use the positive adults in their lives as a means to create a life that is filled with gratitude, giving and selflessness.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Four Tasks of Adolescence
Four Tasks of Adolescence
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.
2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.
3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.
4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.
2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.
3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.
4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Working with Adolescents and Parents
When working with adolescents and parents it is important to gauge the comfort level of teens with having their parents share the same space as them while discussing sensitive matter. Although this may be essential at some point in time it is important to not rush into family work to appease the parents when it could inadvertently harm the adolescent/therapist connection. Teens need to know that they are going to have some latitude and protection if they are not at their best when in sesion with their parents. If they are angry and it plays out aggressively, a teen needs to know that the therapist is equipped to reframe the behavior and express it in a way that won't further alient his parents or other family members.
Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.
Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut
Specializing in adolescent and couples issues
Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.
Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.
Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut
Specializing in adolescent and couples issues
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Couples experiencing depression
Many times couples enter into therapy where one or both partners is reporting feelings of depression or even a self-assessed depressive diagnosis. Depression is a clinical term that is often carelessly thrown around with little understanding of its actual condition. Rather than reiterate a mundane rant about the symptoms and causation that can be found in endless online reputable websites such as psychologytoday.com or nami.org, it is more useful to discuss how having a diagnosis helps and hinders a couples perception of therapeutic possibilities.
When a member of a coupleship reports that they have been depressed for years it can often establish an early tone in therapy that attempts to exonerate the depressed indivdual of responsibility. This can position the depressed person as the victim and thereby void of criticism as to his or her role in the relational downward spiral. It is important to think about oneself as on a level playing field with one's parnter to avoid an unlevel playing field whereby one member feels the sole responsibility for the destruction of a relationship. This burden to bear is one that is not typically justifiable nor will it set a precedence for the mutual responsibility that each member must have in an effort to create the change they desire.
On the other hand, when a member of a coupleship truly has a legitimate depressive diagnosis and their partner has a level of empathy and knowledge of their condition, it can allow for a level of sensitivity and adaptability in a partnership that is welcoming of support and compassion. When depression is understood as a condition that is not plaguing an individual, but rather, interfering in a couple's well-being, it can be viewed in a more manageable and empowering way. Relationships where couples have an ongoing desire to re-think and re-author their circumstances are at the greatest advantage when trying to create the kind of change that frees them from restrictive labels and reduces them to symptoms. People are more dynamic and resilient than their "condtions." Yet, when conditions have a legitimate basis, it is comforting to know that a truly clinically depressed individual has the companionship of a willing-to-understand partner.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Starting New with Teens
Parents and teens bump heads each day for a variety reasons. These need not be over analyzed but rather accepted as part of the daily growing pains of developmental changes and relationship evolution. Teens are submersed in the unfortunate position of jockeying between the longing for childhood past and the fear of the unknown world of adulthood. Neither seem that desirable and hence the discomfort of defining and dwelling in the place between is where the tension often rests.
There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.
Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.
There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.
Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.
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