Bryon Remo Primer on Promoting Sibling Closeness

Many parents have grown up with stories of constant teasing, competing and jockeying for power with their siblings. These stories are often viewed as a “typical” part of childhood development within a family. Yet despite parents awareness of past sibling squabbling, they long for their offspring to have a closer relationship with less contentiousness and a greater appreciation for one another. Bryon Remo notes that parents today are so overwhelmed that the little aspects of parenting, which promote sibling closeness, often gets unattended to because of other demands. Yet it takes very little effort to send a daily message to one’s kids of the importance of kindness, sensitivity and forgiveness. When parents put the extra time into creating rituals that promote closeness, they often experience the joy of such efforts unexpectedly. Remo notes that he developed a system in his home in which he promotes 5 key points of emphasis that he wants his children to focus on- taking care of their minds, taking care of their bodies, taking care of their home, spirituality and caring for others. The emphasis of these is often on the caring for others piece, in which he rewards his children not simply for doing household tasks, but for being extra benevolent, thoughtful or caring to each other. Children want to please, but they often are at a loss for ways that they can express such. Bryon Remo suggests that parents take note of children’s natural tendencies and create opportunities for kids to further express their kindness with one another. For instance, if your child enjoys helping you or your spouse cook, have them cook something that they then serve to their brother or sister and pretend they are their waiter. This will allow them to be involved in something they enjoy that can also benefit their siblings. Siblings can and should be close but parents have quite a bit of say in how this will unfold. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford,CT. He also serves the communities of Oxford, Watertown, Woodbury, Seymour, Roxbury, Brookfield, Roxbury, Monroe, and Danbury.

Adolescents and Sleep....

As if parenting weren't challenging enough- with constantly setting limits, balancing "Yes"'s with "No"'s, and helping keep kids from boredom. Trying to determine an appropriate summer bedtime with adolescents is often a parental dilemma as kids are keenly aware that their parents cannot default to the, "You need your rest, you've got school tomorrow," axiom.

So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.

On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.

There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.

Happy Parenting! :)

Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT

Four Tasks of Adolescence

Four Tasks of Adolescence
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.

2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.

3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.

4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.


Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues

Diagnosing ADHD

Adhd impacts people of all ages and from a variety of ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds. When ADHD clients come into a clinician's office, they oftren present a variety of recognizable symptoms. These often appear in what's referred to as "clusters." For the clinician with limited experience, working with ADHD and its multiple co-morbid clinical symptoms, it is important to note these clusters of symptoms as they appear across the developmental range of children, adolescentss, and adults. Some ADHD patients may present symptoms that cannot be easily recognizable by the therapist, given the patient's age and relative developmental level. These same patients may also have comorbid psychiatric symptoms, such as depression or oppositional defiant disorderwihich often over-shadow the more subtle ADHD symptoms. Therapists who work with couples and families may also be surprised to detect ADHD symptoms in parents and other family members across several generations. Family therapy with adolescents allows clinicians and families to take a closer look at which symptoms have had a cyclical affect in families. The presence of ADHD will also shape the interactional pattern and roles among family members for several generations, though this is difficult to predict. ADHD symptoms create patterns of low self-esteem and poor soical and academic skill in children when left unsupported. This in turn can evoke frustrated parental responses that may take the form of scapegoating the ADHD child. Perceived parental failures may then lead to marital problems. Whether one works primarily with children, adolescents, or adults, it is important for the clinician to be aware of the subtleties of the ADHD diagnostic criteria as well as the ongoing literature and research regarding the disorder's neurobiological etiology and behavioral manifestations that infrom both assessment and treatment. Since the ADHD field is relatively new and ever changing, the literature often contains contradictory and even controversial theories. While there are numerous symptoms to ADHD, the primary criteria has to do with inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity across multiple sub-criteria. Differentiating among the criteria is fairly easy to make especially among hyperactive children. However, the therapist will need to learn to look carefully for the more subtle patterns of inattention that may exist in very bright children who do not display the symptoms of hyperactivity. Many of these children may never be diagnosed with ADHD. The combined subtyped is designed to include the child whodisplays a broader range of ADHD symptoms that span all three areas: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. This subtype tends to be used more frequently with younger children simply because it can be more difficult to differentiate the various symptoms in this age group. It may also be used with ADHD adults who display milder forms of both hyperactivity and inattentions. For the therapist who works predominately with adolescents or adults, the criteria will need to be skillfully interpreted and translated regarding the behavioral variations for older adolescents, young adults and older adults.

This excerpt was taken from Family Therapy for ADHD by Craig A. Everett and Sandra
Southbury, CT 06488




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