Bryon Remo Primer on Teenage Moodiness

Good parents come from all different backgrounds and with various approaches to working with their teenage children. Some suggest to back off, others to continue holding them accountable and still others to be better listeners. Whatever approach parents customize to reach their sometimes challenging teen there is one phenomenon that is undeniably common among them- they are moody creatures! And their behavior or attitude is not always linked to recent events. Sometimes they are just simply moody. PERIOD! It's called adolescence!

Whether folks consider such information as useless or fatalistic, it is always helpful to avoid thinking that every parenting problem has a witty well thought out intervention. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT of West Hartford and Southbury, "The teen years are marked by chronic internal and external chaos. There is great enthusiasm in coming of age, but also great apprehension. Moodiness is a natural companion to such conflicting emotions." Adults are well served to turn down the intensity of their responses when their teenager's behavior deviates from the norm. They are constantly experimenting and replacing norms with new ones. This can be quite frustrating to parents who work hard to put structures in place to help their teen be successful.

Parenting teens is challenging especially when such a group isn't always receptive to being parented. Remo notes, "If parents can withold their advice long enough for their teen to feel listened to, they may actually want their feedback. The problem is that parents are often restless and want behavior change more immediately." Parents who listen first and speak 2nd are often able to get more insight into their child's behavior. They might even just remember being a teen themselves and that all behavior doesn't always have to make sense. Sometimes it just needs to come to pass. Aren't we all a little moody?

Bryon Remo has a private practice in West Hartford and Southbury, CT

Bryon Remo Primer on Promoting Sibling Closeness

Many parents have grown up with stories of constant teasing, competing and jockeying for power with their siblings. These stories are often viewed as a “typical” part of childhood development within a family. Yet despite parents awareness of past sibling squabbling, they long for their offspring to have a closer relationship with less contentiousness and a greater appreciation for one another. Bryon Remo notes that parents today are so overwhelmed that the little aspects of parenting, which promote sibling closeness, often gets unattended to because of other demands. Yet it takes very little effort to send a daily message to one’s kids of the importance of kindness, sensitivity and forgiveness. When parents put the extra time into creating rituals that promote closeness, they often experience the joy of such efforts unexpectedly. Remo notes that he developed a system in his home in which he promotes 5 key points of emphasis that he wants his children to focus on- taking care of their minds, taking care of their bodies, taking care of their home, spirituality and caring for others. The emphasis of these is often on the caring for others piece, in which he rewards his children not simply for doing household tasks, but for being extra benevolent, thoughtful or caring to each other. Children want to please, but they often are at a loss for ways that they can express such. Bryon Remo suggests that parents take note of children’s natural tendencies and create opportunities for kids to further express their kindness with one another. For instance, if your child enjoys helping you or your spouse cook, have them cook something that they then serve to their brother or sister and pretend they are their waiter. This will allow them to be involved in something they enjoy that can also benefit their siblings. Siblings can and should be close but parents have quite a bit of say in how this will unfold. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford,CT. He also serves the communities of Oxford, Watertown, Woodbury, Seymour, Roxbury, Brookfield, Roxbury, Monroe, and Danbury.

Bryon Remo Primer on Promoting Children's Resiliency

It's amazing how some kids can fail repeatedly at some tasks and seem not only unfazed by their failure but appear motivated by it. And yet others who face the slightest resistance are ready to throw in the towel. Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist in Southbury, Connecticut notes that each child has a certain level of resiliency that is not always easy to understand. Yet resiliency can be promoted for those that seem to possess very little.

Children engaged in activities that are competitive often depict a broad range of behaviors at the hands of defeat. Some are completely indifferent, while others agonize over games that have nothing of consequence attached to it. Remo notes that it is important to teach kids to view failure as healthy and essential to growth. Too often adolescents grow up expecting to win at everything not realizing that success takes a lot of hard work.

Building resiliency in kids means giving kids an opportunity to make sense of the missing ingredients that may promote their success. Bryon Remo's work as a therapist with young people often centers around teaching children to reframe their view of failure as an opportunity for later success. He suggests that kids need to be taught to be graceful at losing, but to also benefit from their sadness.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT practices in Southbury and West Hartford, CT and serves the communities of Watertown, Oxford, Naugatuck, Monroe,Woodbury, Seymour, Thomaston, Torrington, Roxbury, Bridgewater, Brookfield and Danbury, Connecticut.

The Benefits of Competition in Children

Bryon Remo Primer on the Benefits of Competition Among Children

In today's kid world, competition is often frowned upon or at least viewed as less important than other virtues as sportsmanship, comraderie and fairness. And though few would disagree with these ideas being most relevant, the idea of winners and losers has taken on a venomous perspective among many parents. Parents who believe that childrens' self-esteem hinges on social equitability and an "everyone gets a trophy" perspective fails to see that the adult world isn't always quite as generous.

There is nothing that pleases me more that witnessing my kids engaging in sports play with others and developing friendships. They learn numerous values about teamwork, unselfishness, commitment, humility and persistence, etc. But they should also be learning that life is at times highly competitive and that it is ok to work hard and pursue success. Although this should not come at the expense of the aforementioned values, it is essential that kids learn that they can pursue an "edge" early in life without feeling ashamed or apologetic. The reality of life is that 31 teams did not win the Superbowl and each of the losing teams can handle loss with grace and motivation for next year or they can pout and be bitter. Either way, competition will roll on whether we like it or not.

Losing can give kids the opportunity to see that success takes a lot of work. And, the reward of achieving should feel wonderful because of such commitment toward success. Self-esteem can and should be cultivated in numerous ways with children; not through having them falsely believe that competition should end without any heartache. Losing stinks! But adults can teach children how to lose with grace, how to benefit from failure and how to someday look back on the gift of competition. That is of course, if we don't shield them from its reality.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford, Connecticut.

Teaching Adolescents Mindfulness

Parents have a gazillion balls to juggle these days with little time for their own self care. Needless to say, it is important for parents to manage their time wisely. This often includes helping children and adolescents do the same. And in the process of helping our youngsters, it is vital to teach them how to become increasingly mindful- especially with the things that we no longer should have to.

Many times when kids are finished with meals they dash back to their previous activities. And typically parents will give them a gentle reminder to clear their plate as they go while other parents may have expectations that they help further with cleanup efforts. Once the expectations and routines are established, parents would be well served to teach their kids to be more mindful of these various responsibilities in their lives. For instance, constantly reminding your forgetful child to bring his plate over to the sink has a very different message than asking him, "What do you need to do before returning to playing? Even though it would be more convenient to skip this step and simply tell them what to do, it is in the question rather that the statement that develops the seeds of mindfulness. If kids never have to think for themselves because their parents are constantly managing their lives, they will choose mental complacency simply because it is the path of least resistance.

Parents simply need to challenge their adolescents to become aware of their responsibilities by asking questions to get their kids to think, plan, organize and take action. There is no better place to practice than in the home and no better place to observe the beauty of your child's development.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT


Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Teaching Adolescents an Optimistic Internal Dialogue

In recent years psychologists have discovered that pessimism is a trait that is able to be changed. Many cognitive psychologists have developed technologies for changing the thinking habits that many people fall into when they begin to flounder. Often these techniques can be taught by parents, teachers and therapists and works particularly well for school aged children. Teaching someone with negative or even depressive energy to change their thinking habits can be a tiresome process, but one that must be done.

Many therapists ask the question, “When does depression begin? What makes some kids more vulnerable to it than others? Why are some kids more resilient than others?”According to research more than a quarter of kids are significantly depressed at any given time, and at least 20 percent of kids experience more severe depression at least once during a 5 year period.

Once kids experience bouts of depression their likelihood of becoming pessimistic grossly increases. In addition, depression is likely to go away gradually overtime whereas pessimism is not as likely to shift. Once the teenage years emerge, if a child has already experienced some level of depression he or she is at great risk to re-experience it again. Research also suggests that many children first become depressed when their parents started fighting with each other. Parental conflict, changing family dynamics and poor communication skills between divorcing partners are heavy risk factors for the emerging teenage child.

It is not enough to merely teach kids to be optimistic in the face of conflict. Adolescents need ways of handling social situations as well . A combination of cognitive skills along with social skills will help kids become equipped with the tools to handle life’s setbacks.

Many parents, teachers and even therapists in the past 25 years have been tirelessly trying to help bolster kids self esteem. This has often been done through emphasizing how a child feels. Although this is an important part of the equation, it is simply not enough . Adolescents need to be taught how to master skills, overcome frustration and boredom and learn how to persist where they previously had given up. Parents and teachers are actually making children more vulnerable to depression when their sole emphasis is on self-esteem building at the exclusion of the aforementioned.

When praise is constantly echoed throughout each class and within the halls, as well as on every poster and every progress report and report card, kids soon learn to ignore such flattery, receiving it as less than sincere. Kids may wonder, “If everyone is special, then how could I be too?”

Encouraging motivation and optimism requires our own authentic optimism. But it also means helping kids develop the internal dialogue that will lead to the self-motivation, self-confidence and optimistic adolescents we hope our children to be. Teaching kids to accept frustration as part of life and developing the thinking to overcome this natural process is necessary to develop healthy and resilient young minds.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury and West Hartford and serves Watertown, Oxford, Roxbury, Monroe, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...

It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.

Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?

The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Adolescents and Sleep....

As if parenting weren't challenging enough- with constantly setting limits, balancing "Yes"'s with "No"'s, and helping keep kids from boredom. Trying to determine an appropriate summer bedtime with adolescents is often a parental dilemma as kids are keenly aware that their parents cannot default to the, "You need your rest, you've got school tomorrow," axiom.

So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.

On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.

There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.

Happy Parenting! :)

Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT

Why Teens Are Not Happy :(

Teenagers are often looking for happiness in a world which often makes you chronically feel forever discontent. There are countless messages bombarding teens with what they need to be "happy-" the latest cell phone,ipad, ipod, itouch, ithis, ithat......it is no wonder that they are often chasing the ghost of happiness. They are challenged to tune out the vicious world of advertising and marketing madness and get acquainted with the internal voice- that voice that used to say playing outside in the woods or at the park was actually fun..Secondly, there are numerous teens across the globe who are in search of a better tomorrow and recognize that the starting place for that is in giving today. Teens who are not happy are often plagued by this "Me thinking" mentality. They need to quiet the voices of the sellers of the world and make room for the givers. Teens who make contributions to society are typically the happiest kids because they see a greater purpose than consuming resources and waiting for the adults to go away. They use the positive adults in their lives as a means to create a life that is filled with gratitude, giving and selflessness.

Four Tasks of Adolescence

Four Tasks of Adolescence
1) COMPARATIVE WORLD VIEW
For the first ten or twelve years of life, your view was their view. Your kids rarely questioned your choices. The holidays you celebrated, the company you kept, your standard of living—all these were accepted. Then they began to question and challenge your way of life. This is their job. They need to develop their own view of things, make choices, and try out other ways of living. This is an adventure (at times stressful) for teens. For parents, it may feel like rejection and loss. But this is what you want for them, in the end. You want your kids to have their own identities.

2) SHIFT OF PRIMARY SOCIAL GROUP
For the first ten or twelve years, you—the family—were the primary social group of your children. You were their company, their guides, their heroes. All of a sudden, they don’t want to be seen in the mall with you. They want to be with their friends all the time; if not with them, then on the phone with them. This is their job—to figure out how to get along with their peers, what kind of friends they want, who they might love. For parents, this may feel a lot like loss and rejections. But in the end, this what you want for them—to be able to function in the world outside their family.

3) SEXUAL MATURITY
For years, your children had little or no interest in sex. Intimacy was easy and friendly. All of a sudden they can’t stand a hug from you, or at least not in public. Sex may seem like all they think about; sexual behavior may begin. There may be a great deal of discomfort and tension between the generations about issues related to sex. This is a hard time for ids to navigate. For parents, it represents a huge loss of childish innocence. But in the end, you want your kids to develop sexual maturity, to be able to love, to grow into having their own families.

4) LEAVING HOME
The last and biggest task is leaving home. But this too is what you want—to launch your child on his or her own life. It is essential that your children feel they have the blessing of their parents to choose the course of life that they see desirable.


Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Practicing if Southbury, CT and Specializing in Adolescent Issues

Working with Adolescents and Parents

When working with adolescents and parents it is important to gauge the comfort level of teens with having their parents share the same space as them while discussing sensitive matter. Although this may be essential at some point in time it is important to not rush into family work to appease the parents when it could inadvertently harm the adolescent/therapist connection. Teens need to know that they are going to have some latitude and protection if they are not at their best when in sesion with their parents. If they are angry and it plays out aggressively, a teen needs to know that the therapist is equipped to reframe the behavior and express it in a way that won't further alient his parents or other family members.

Being authentic in therapy is often hard for teens who at times like to put on a show to impress others. Sometimes this show can be quite revealing and beneficial to the therapy process- other times it can sabotage efforts made by other members. Whatever the situation may be, a therapist should feel confident that he has instilled the confidence in the adolescent client that although it may be uncomfortable at times to share, he will have support when he falters.

Parents need to be made aware that if a teenager does not wish to have his family as part of the process that it is not simply a rejection of his family, but instead a way of saying that he doesn't feel emotionally safe enough yet to anticipate postive outcomes. This can be conveyed in a way that may elicit a reflective state in the parents that considers their way of processing their frustrations with their teenager. Adolescents and parents need to work on their relationship in a way that doesn't focus on problems, but instead builds upon strengths and areas of resiliency and family closeness. There is often too much energy placed on problems and not enough energy on sustaining that which allows the family to function well during the good times. When family members are at a loss to find strengths or positive memories with each other, it is vital that they at least share what they would like that vision to look like. Family therapy is often an intimidating proposition to family members, but when done effectively it can not only be less scary, it can actually be something teens and parents look forward to.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Practicing in Southbury, Connecticut

Specializing in adolescent and couples issues

Couples experiencing depression

Many times couples enter into therapy where one or both partners is reporting feelings of depression or even a self-assessed depressive diagnosis. Depression is a clinical term that is often carelessly thrown around with little understanding of its actual condition. Rather than reiterate a mundane rant about the symptoms and causation that can be found in endless online reputable websites such as psychologytoday.com or nami.org, it is more useful to discuss how having a diagnosis helps and hinders a couples perception of therapeutic possibilities.

When a member of a coupleship reports that they have been depressed for years it can often establish an early tone in therapy that attempts to exonerate the depressed indivdual of responsibility. This can position the depressed person as the victim and thereby void of criticism as to his or her role in the relational downward spiral. It is important to think about oneself as on a level playing field with one's parnter to avoid an unlevel playing field whereby one member feels the sole responsibility for the destruction of a relationship. This burden to bear is one that is not typically justifiable nor will it set a precedence for the mutual responsibility that each member must have in an effort to create the change they desire.

On the other hand, when a member of a coupleship truly has a legitimate depressive diagnosis and their partner has a level of empathy and knowledge of their condition, it can allow for a level of sensitivity and adaptability in a partnership that is welcoming of support and compassion. When depression is understood as a condition that is not plaguing an individual, but rather, interfering in a couple's well-being, it can be viewed in a more manageable and empowering way. Relationships where couples have an ongoing desire to re-think and re-author their circumstances are at the greatest advantage when trying to create the kind of change that frees them from restrictive labels and reduces them to symptoms. People are more dynamic and resilient than their "condtions." Yet, when conditions have a legitimate basis, it is comforting to know that a truly clinically depressed individual has the companionship of a willing-to-understand partner.

Adolescents and Psychotherapy: Using humor in therapy

Adolescents and Psychotherapy: Using humor in therapy

Starting New with Teens

Parents and teens bump heads each day for a variety reasons. These need not be over analyzed but rather accepted as part of the daily growing pains of developmental changes and relationship evolution. Teens are submersed in the unfortunate position of jockeying between the longing for childhood past and the fear of the unknown world of adulthood. Neither seem that desirable and hence the discomfort of defining and dwelling in the place between is where the tension often rests.

There is a need for parents to view their teens each day with a mental "reset button" to avoid compounding their frustration on top of each previous day or week. If conflict can be accepted as a normal albeit undesirable part of parenting a teen, then it can perhaps be experienced with less impact. When teens and parents start each day new, they are essentially saying that their relationship carries more value than the previous day(s) burdens. They choose not to be weighed down by problems but instead maintain an awareness of the ephemereal nature of adolescence with a longing for brighter days. This is not merely optimism and wishful thinking. It is a planned and conscious choice to stay in the present moment and deliberatly averting the temptation of reflect on the frustration of the previous days' interactions.

Many people feel that there must be some recognition of poor behavior or interactions to ensure it doesn't duplicate itself. And although this may have some relevance, there is a danger to bringing up yesterday's issues that can keep people, especially teens, mentally stuck there. Teens will only learn how to start anew if they believe those that caare about them truly desire the same and are able to model such. This is not a means of letting your child off the hook for misbehavior. It is merely an invitation to let the new day bring a lightness to your interaction with your teen that will continue to help him/her experience your constant presence in a way that their internal chaos desperately needs.

Psychotherapy with the modern teenager

Psychotherapy has always been a place most teens would reject because its very essence exposes their well guarded privacy. Teens have much to protect and they are not about to lower their walls because we or their parents tell them to do so. It is a very delicate time in working with teens who are often hypervigilant of the intentions of their parents and therapists. It is ultra important to balance both not rushing a therapeutic relationship but also not conducting therapy in such a way that makes it seem void of any specific purpose. Teens will often reject over assertiveness as well as approaches that are overly playful and fearlful of addressing the "purple elephant." This brings us to the modern teenager who I believe desperately wants to connect with other adults but want to know that they "get it." This means not being afraid to expose the reported issues but can quickly reframe them in a way that can be digested by the teenager. This may include speaking their language for a period of time so that they feel understood.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Adolescent and Family Therapist

Bryon Remo practices in Southbury, CT and specializes
in adolescent and couples issues

Using humor in therapy

People are not getting the funny they need in their lives these days. From a tumbling economy to a divorce rate of 51% there is not as much to feel giddy about as yesteryear. But, to be fair there are many who continue to find the humor in life's misery whether it be as a coping mechanism or just an alternative to using drugs that feels pretty good. Either way, humor has a way of lightening difficult subject matter even if it does have sustenance over the long haul. There is a reason why 30 minute comedy sitcom tend to control the media market. People are desperate for laughter in their lives.

In therapy, there is typically a seriousness of purpose, as there should be, that kicks off the early part of treatment. And, although there is a need to understand such seriousness, it needn't come at the expense of light hearted humor that can relax and enable clients to feel at ease whereby lightness may not be so common anymore. This could be the much needed respite family's need to catapult there own humor. I am not talking about engaging in stand-up comedy as a therapist. But rather helping families put a gentler, even humorous spin on crazy circumstances to keep them from feeling that they are going crazy.

Adolescents' Perceptions of Interparental Conflict- Part 1

The influence whereby a child's perception is structured can be examined in terms of children's appraisals of interparental conflict and their recognition of parental control. Investigating early adolescents' perceptions of marital conflict across multiple domains is a task that I previously had studied.

It is hypothesized that a significant discrepancy exists among early adolescents' perceptions of the frequency and intensity of conflict, and their perceptions of family stability and perceived threat. More specifically, early adolescents' who do not feel the family stability is threatened by interparental conflict will report at least moderate levels of frequent and intense interparental conflict. It is additionally hypothesized that early adolescents perceiving little threat during interparental conflict will report at least moderalt levels of frequent and intense conflict among their parents. This hypothesis is based on prior research suggesting that because early adolescents' need for autonomy is not ashigh as mid to late adolescents', they may be likely to identify with intense episodes of conflict, yet maintain a protective state of perception regarding the family's stability and its threatening impact of them.

Rituals Help Ground Kids

RitualsA basic part of relationship infrastructure, especially for 21^st-century kids, is the creation of dependable rituals that anchor adult-child discussions. Millennium teens love rituals, in part because they live in either an overscheduled vise or virtual chaos. It is surprising how much that sophisticated kid sitting across from you needs rituals so badly. Rituals had their place in how early analysts conceived of treatment. They helped create a safe container, soothing enough to counter the pathological force of the family at home. The idea, especially with teens, was to help a  pry a child away from the neurotic maw of his mother or father. Routines were part of creating an alternate emotional space. This aspect of Old World psychotherapy is a valuable carryover into the 21^st century. But the rationale for postmodern rituals is different.

 

·         Today’s kids do not need to be pried away from oppressive family routines. As my interviews with children of all ages revealed, far too few rituals go on in their day-to-day lives. Just about every child, regardless of age, brought up the lack of simple routines, “pizza and a video, hanging out, watching TV together.” Modern life is so frenetic, parent and child are headed in different directions during the day and well into the evening. Even when today’s family is home, family members rarely inhabit the same space – one is in kitchen, one is online, one is surfing for a TV show to watch – and a teenager may be doing all of these at the same time.

·         The second family creates rituals that are missing in the homes of many kids. If anything, the competing force we face is the second family, not home life. Creating a place in which a child shares personally meaningful rituals with an adult may be a unique experience for teens. Rituals strengthen the unusual: a grown-up anchor and an alternative force to the grip of peers and tractionless homes. Rituals also provide comfort for kids, a welcome pause in their daily schedules. Familiar treatment routines create comfortable predictability in a teen’s life. And “comfort time” is exactly what the second family offers. This is in stark juxtaposition to everyday family life that often seems to be running off the tracks.

Old Can Be New Again

Twenty-first-century reasons for establishing old-fashioned rituals in treatment:

1.      Makes kids feel less in the spotlight, less self-conscious.

2.      Helps teens multitask-talk while doing something else.

3.      Offers a path to their hidden concerns.

4.      Allows kids to leave personalized “marks” on the relationship.

5.      Provides the remnants of play for “grown-up-too-soon” teens.

6.      Allows nonverbal communication for kids with language processing issues.

·         The content of rituals offers clues about what is going on in kids’ lives. Kids create specific rituals that matter to them. Rituals are not only a way of collaborating, but a way to express oneself. Significantly, a teen can express him- or herself not only through language, but nonverbally, which for many adolescents is much less demanding. Through rituals we learn about issues that are not easy to discuss, about secrets and second-family life that may be hidden by casual or careful lying.

            Rituals are as varied as is the imagination. The best way I can illustrate the idiosyncratic genius of kids is through examples. Following are some routines that kids came up with themselves or that we created together. In preparing this chapter, I saw, again, how routines express security needs for a frazzled generation, while revealing issues that are hard to bring up in words.(there are about ten different stories here as examples of different kinds of rituals that I left out but let me know if you want me to put them in)            A ritual is a work of creativity, interpersonal graffiti, so to speak – the ritual bears a child’s mark. It expresses the uniqueness of the relationship, the comfort and predictability of your space together. It is an anchor in an essentially chaotic life, not nearly predictable enough for the boy or girl you see in your office. It is often a concrete way to open up discussions, almost always leading to troublesome issues in the first family at home or the second family or peers.

 

DetailsAdults in treatment try to get into the details of their lives. After all, grown-ups have chosen to be with you, to focus on certain problems, though not necessarily the ones they need to focus on. Decades of invisible habits, unconscious motivation, addictions, and rigid character armor bury truth. But at least the choice to work on problems is the client’s.
            Paradoxically, while teens see their issues more clearly than most adults, they choose to be secretive with the prying grown-ups who have forced them into treatment. Except in rare cases, the decision to seek help is made by parents, the school, or the court. Your existence in the room is a reminder of a world they cannot control. And, even if a teen is less wary about opening up, they usually haven’t developed what school consultant Michael Nerny calls “emotional literacy.” Words to describe experiences don’t easily come. So, conversation about what really matters may be difficult.Therapist: How did you feel about the weekend?
Teen: It was okay.
Therapist: Didn’t you go to that party?
Teen: Yeah.
Therapist: Well, how was it?
Teen: Your know, we hung out and stuff.            Not a pretty picture, but common with teenage clients. We have words to describe the phenomenon: defiance, therapy refusal, selective muteness. But that’s about the normal level of detail you’re spontaneously going to get. It is nowhere near enough for your client to feel as if you’re really in there with him or her – or for you to feel that the material is meaningful to the work.
            Of course, the same practically mute adolescent is capable of revealing endless details to friends. In fact, I have come to understand that kids live in the details; teens, especially, are obsessed with them. But adults, even child professionals, often consider ordinary teen detail to be meaningless. This is a basic clinical dilemma; it is exactly the kind of endless detail we’ve been taught to evaluate as defensive that builds a strong connection. In work with adolescents, the nitty-gritty about what happened is the most direct pathway into a meaningful experience. “I can’t believe you’re interested in this stuff,” one teen after another remarks. I am. Seemingly trivial, insanely boring details tell me what he is actually doing, thinking, and feeling –and the high-risk decisions that must be made every day.



CT Family Counseling

Southbury, Connecticut
 

Teaching Children and Adolescents Self-Discipline and Moderation

Self-discipline and moderation

 

Teaching kids the importance of moderation is one the keys to helping them learn self-discipline;  and that we often don’t need as much in our lives as we think.  Moderation with food, exercise, speaking, money, time spent online or texting, television, and on an on. The ability to balance self-discipline with some spontaneity is a skill that needs to be taught to young people.

Self-discipline means many things: being able to motivate and manage yourself and your time, being able to control yourself and your temper, being able to control your appetite, etc. Self-discipline and moderation are profound and universal values because their presence helps us and others and their absence inevitably causes short or long term pain.

Creating a personal example regarding the value of discipline and moderation in all areas is a way to model that which parents desire for their adolescents. Example is the main method of learning for children. Make up your mind to control your temper, to save a percentage of your income, to live within your means, to not be a couch potato, to eat moderately and so on. Talk about the successes you have with your kids so they begin to notice that living a life of moderation is a happy and content place to be.

One way to help children appreciate moderation is by teaching them the simple practice of learning to count in their head to slow down their thinking. Helping them create a space for alternative thoughts gives them the abiity to decide whether or not a decision may or may not be in their best interest. Challenge children to count to ten whenever they begin to get angry or frustrated and remind them that it is designed to help them regain control of their thoughts and actions.

Having a family calendar can give children the security and comfort of certain things being predictable in their lives and providing a framework for the discipline needed to accomplish such things. Having a set breakfast or dinnertime at reasonably consistent time periods helps adolescents develop an internal sense of constancy in their life despite all the ambiguity that will come their way in the outside world.

Using the terms discipline and moderation frequently will help children understand them and connect them to everyday behavior. When you pass up a second helping of potatoes, say, “I’m going to use moderation and not eat too much- it will help be feel better. When you notice a child getting his homework done comment on his self-discipline. Make the words the “theme” of your communications and activities for a significant period of time.

Adding motivation to your child’s efforts to discipline himself by setting goals will help him/her feel that these virtues are worthy of reward. Having children set up certain objectives and attaching a reward to the accomplishment of those goals can give parents added opportunities for praise and can make children.

With adolescents, teaching the idea of work before play is really important. Encourage and award kids for looking around to do things to help the family without being asked. It wasn’t that long ago where it was commonplace for boys to wake up alongside their dads and join em from sunrise to sunset on the farm.

A family bank is a great way to help kids see the need for a collaborative effort to accomplish a goal. Giving older kids old checkbooks that they can practice writing in and having them write checks out to themselves whenever they accomplish a task that goes beyond what’s expected is a great way to help kids recognize that money is earned not just given out. Eventually having teens establish their own checking or savings account helps them inch closer to adulthood with some supervision and goals for saving and maintaining responsible finances.

Help kids bank the concept of discipline and moderation to memory by helping them create mantres or short sayings such as, “Mind over mattress” to overcome laziness or to avoid procrastination or “Seize the day” or anything that resonates with them.

Music is often an area of life that gets overlooked in significance. However, research has emerged in recent decades about the calming and nurturing impact it has on the mind and ability to stay focused. This gift can be transcended into all areas of life when problem-solving or trying to manage emotions during times of distress.

Teach your children how to set and reach goals. Kids often express their desire to become famous or to travel to expensive lands as the adult world smirks and sarcastically grins how it’s a great idea if you save your money. They don’t really believe it attainable but why not? Often the difference between a dream and a goal is simply planning, discipline and moderation. When a dream gets conversted into action steps it begins to look plausible. And with the right balance of motivation, discipline and moderation, kids will often reach their goals with the right support in place.

Praise, praise, praise. Kids are able to hear and respond to negative feedback. However, when inundated with praise, kids are more likely to feel a greater sense of self-worth and more of a willingness to respond to criticism when it comes their way. Instead of expressing irritation to children for not getting household jobs done, express honest praise and delight every time they do. Instead of saying to yourself, “I can’t believe Johnny is doing the dishes without being told,” say something out loud like, “I can’t tell you how much it lightens my load to have you see the dinner mess and get it cleaned up without even having to ask you to do it. You are getting so good at seeing what needs to be done and doing it on your own initiative!” the chances of the child repeating the act of self-discipline increases tenfold on the spot. The next time you walk through the family room and see two children playing nicely together, stop and tell them how it makes you feel, instead of getting angry at them when they argue. Every attempt to give honest praise is a solid-gold investment.

Teaching adolescents to fast is a way to help them recognize that indulgence is wasteful and that life often goes through changes that are unpredictable which means that although we have plenty now, there is no guarantee this will continue. It is also important to help them understand what feeling hungry really is like. I’m not talking about cutting off their food supply for a week but instead limiting kids food for weekend to the bare essentials like trail mix and water. This will often be an exciting experiment for kids who may emerge more appreciative of the abundance they enjoy.

Children and Therapy

Oftentimes parents are not willing to bring their young children to therapy because of fear that their teenager will expose them to issues that they are not comfortable with them witnessing as such an innocent age. Although this intention is noteworthy, disalllowing children from the process can often prevent a therapist from having a real sense of what the family looks and feels like and thus prevents him from getting an accurate sense of how the energy of the family plays out on a daily basis. In addition, young children may also have the ability to on some level create a level of temperance in teens to avoid the temptation of exploding for fear of upsetting the children. This physical reminder to maintain control may be the tangible element needed to allow for problem-solving that might otherwise not occur in a potentially more explosive environment. Young children also have the capacity to soften difficult talking points by virtue of their cute mannerism that can temporarily distract tough dialogue. Although this can at times be a distraction, it can also be telling to see who chooses to distract themselves from the therapeutic process and engage the children and who is able to acknowledge them yet still stay focused on the purpose of treatment. Children often hold the pulse of the family and a therapist can learn much from witnessing other family members interactions with them.