Bryon Remo Primer on Teenage Moodiness

Good parents come from all different backgrounds and with various approaches to working with their teenage children. Some suggest to back off, others to continue holding them accountable and still others to be better listeners. Whatever approach parents customize to reach their sometimes challenging teen there is one phenomenon that is undeniably common among them- they are moody creatures! And their behavior or attitude is not always linked to recent events. Sometimes they are just simply moody. PERIOD! It's called adolescence!

Whether folks consider such information as useless or fatalistic, it is always helpful to avoid thinking that every parenting problem has a witty well thought out intervention. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT of West Hartford and Southbury, "The teen years are marked by chronic internal and external chaos. There is great enthusiasm in coming of age, but also great apprehension. Moodiness is a natural companion to such conflicting emotions." Adults are well served to turn down the intensity of their responses when their teenager's behavior deviates from the norm. They are constantly experimenting and replacing norms with new ones. This can be quite frustrating to parents who work hard to put structures in place to help their teen be successful.

Parenting teens is challenging especially when such a group isn't always receptive to being parented. Remo notes, "If parents can withold their advice long enough for their teen to feel listened to, they may actually want their feedback. The problem is that parents are often restless and want behavior change more immediately." Parents who listen first and speak 2nd are often able to get more insight into their child's behavior. They might even just remember being a teen themselves and that all behavior doesn't always have to make sense. Sometimes it just needs to come to pass. Aren't we all a little moody?

Bryon Remo has a private practice in West Hartford and Southbury, CT

Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...

It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.

Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?

The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Adolescents and Sleep....

As if parenting weren't challenging enough- with constantly setting limits, balancing "Yes"'s with "No"'s, and helping keep kids from boredom. Trying to determine an appropriate summer bedtime with adolescents is often a parental dilemma as kids are keenly aware that their parents cannot default to the, "You need your rest, you've got school tomorrow," axiom.

So how do you negotiate bedtime with your youth? The short answer is that you meet your child, pre-teen or teen where they are at in terms of their level of responsibility. That is to say that you needn't establish a set bedtime based on chronological age but rather on each kid's ability to know and care for his/her mind and body. For example, a 10-year-old who is typically very responsible and self-governing with putting himself to sleep at a consistent 9:00 PM bedtime each school night with or without parent promting should be given a bit more latitude in the summer as he is not likely to veer too far from knowing that the pillow becomes increasingly desirable as each hour passes.

On the other hand, a 15-year-old boy who is constantly burning the midnight oil unbeknownst to his parents and struggles to manage sleep with a media saturated viewership should be dealt with in a more structured and deliberate manner. He is not likely to flick the lights off willingly and will need some extra supervision.

There simply is no hardfast time that makes most sense in the summer. It is important to plug in to your child's sleep schedule throughout the year so that you can gauge when he/she seems to be their best self. If they are able to impose some self-discipline, a little late night fun from time to time can offer the dose of flexibility they just may need to know that a bit of deviation is not going to throw the internal axis of. However, be ever vigilant of the child who disdains the lights out policy. A little creativity and tenderness will go a long way as oppossed to the frustrating words that may want to jump off your lips in your effort to speed the process along.

Happy Parenting! :)

Remo Counseling
A Teen Friendly and Family Counseling Service
Southbury, CT