Teaching Adolescents Mindfulness

Parents have a gazillion balls to juggle these days with little time for their own self care. Needless to say, it is important for parents to manage their time wisely. This often includes helping children and adolescents do the same. And in the process of helping our youngsters, it is vital to teach them how to become increasingly mindful- especially with the things that we no longer should have to.

Many times when kids are finished with meals they dash back to their previous activities. And typically parents will give them a gentle reminder to clear their plate as they go while other parents may have expectations that they help further with cleanup efforts. Once the expectations and routines are established, parents would be well served to teach their kids to be more mindful of these various responsibilities in their lives. For instance, constantly reminding your forgetful child to bring his plate over to the sink has a very different message than asking him, "What do you need to do before returning to playing? Even though it would be more convenient to skip this step and simply tell them what to do, it is in the question rather that the statement that develops the seeds of mindfulness. If kids never have to think for themselves because their parents are constantly managing their lives, they will choose mental complacency simply because it is the path of least resistance.

Parents simply need to challenge their adolescents to become aware of their responsibilities by asking questions to get their kids to think, plan, organize and take action. There is no better place to practice than in the home and no better place to observe the beauty of your child's development.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT


Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Teaching Adolescents an Optimistic Internal Dialogue

In recent years psychologists have discovered that pessimism is a trait that is able to be changed. Many cognitive psychologists have developed technologies for changing the thinking habits that many people fall into when they begin to flounder. Often these techniques can be taught by parents, teachers and therapists and works particularly well for school aged children. Teaching someone with negative or even depressive energy to change their thinking habits can be a tiresome process, but one that must be done.

Many therapists ask the question, “When does depression begin? What makes some kids more vulnerable to it than others? Why are some kids more resilient than others?”According to research more than a quarter of kids are significantly depressed at any given time, and at least 20 percent of kids experience more severe depression at least once during a 5 year period.

Once kids experience bouts of depression their likelihood of becoming pessimistic grossly increases. In addition, depression is likely to go away gradually overtime whereas pessimism is not as likely to shift. Once the teenage years emerge, if a child has already experienced some level of depression he or she is at great risk to re-experience it again. Research also suggests that many children first become depressed when their parents started fighting with each other. Parental conflict, changing family dynamics and poor communication skills between divorcing partners are heavy risk factors for the emerging teenage child.

It is not enough to merely teach kids to be optimistic in the face of conflict. Adolescents need ways of handling social situations as well . A combination of cognitive skills along with social skills will help kids become equipped with the tools to handle life’s setbacks.

Many parents, teachers and even therapists in the past 25 years have been tirelessly trying to help bolster kids self esteem. This has often been done through emphasizing how a child feels. Although this is an important part of the equation, it is simply not enough . Adolescents need to be taught how to master skills, overcome frustration and boredom and learn how to persist where they previously had given up. Parents and teachers are actually making children more vulnerable to depression when their sole emphasis is on self-esteem building at the exclusion of the aforementioned.

When praise is constantly echoed throughout each class and within the halls, as well as on every poster and every progress report and report card, kids soon learn to ignore such flattery, receiving it as less than sincere. Kids may wonder, “If everyone is special, then how could I be too?”

Encouraging motivation and optimism requires our own authentic optimism. But it also means helping kids develop the internal dialogue that will lead to the self-motivation, self-confidence and optimistic adolescents we hope our children to be. Teaching kids to accept frustration as part of life and developing the thinking to overcome this natural process is necessary to develop healthy and resilient young minds.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury and West Hartford and serves Watertown, Oxford, Roxbury, Monroe, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...

It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.

Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?

The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.

Adolescents' Perceptions of Interparental Conflict- Part 1

The influence whereby a child's perception is structured can be examined in terms of children's appraisals of interparental conflict and their recognition of parental control. Investigating early adolescents' perceptions of marital conflict across multiple domains is a task that I previously had studied.

It is hypothesized that a significant discrepancy exists among early adolescents' perceptions of the frequency and intensity of conflict, and their perceptions of family stability and perceived threat. More specifically, early adolescents' who do not feel the family stability is threatened by interparental conflict will report at least moderate levels of frequent and intense interparental conflict. It is additionally hypothesized that early adolescents perceiving little threat during interparental conflict will report at least moderalt levels of frequent and intense conflict among their parents. This hypothesis is based on prior research suggesting that because early adolescents' need for autonomy is not ashigh as mid to late adolescents', they may be likely to identify with intense episodes of conflict, yet maintain a protective state of perception regarding the family's stability and its threatening impact of them.

Diagnosing ADHD

Adhd impacts people of all ages and from a variety of ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds. When ADHD clients come into a clinician's office, they oftren present a variety of recognizable symptoms. These often appear in what's referred to as "clusters." For the clinician with limited experience, working with ADHD and its multiple co-morbid clinical symptoms, it is important to note these clusters of symptoms as they appear across the developmental range of children, adolescentss, and adults. Some ADHD patients may present symptoms that cannot be easily recognizable by the therapist, given the patient's age and relative developmental level. These same patients may also have comorbid psychiatric symptoms, such as depression or oppositional defiant disorderwihich often over-shadow the more subtle ADHD symptoms. Therapists who work with couples and families may also be surprised to detect ADHD symptoms in parents and other family members across several generations. Family therapy with adolescents allows clinicians and families to take a closer look at which symptoms have had a cyclical affect in families. The presence of ADHD will also shape the interactional pattern and roles among family members for several generations, though this is difficult to predict. ADHD symptoms create patterns of low self-esteem and poor soical and academic skill in children when left unsupported. This in turn can evoke frustrated parental responses that may take the form of scapegoating the ADHD child. Perceived parental failures may then lead to marital problems. Whether one works primarily with children, adolescents, or adults, it is important for the clinician to be aware of the subtleties of the ADHD diagnostic criteria as well as the ongoing literature and research regarding the disorder's neurobiological etiology and behavioral manifestations that infrom both assessment and treatment. Since the ADHD field is relatively new and ever changing, the literature often contains contradictory and even controversial theories. While there are numerous symptoms to ADHD, the primary criteria has to do with inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity across multiple sub-criteria. Differentiating among the criteria is fairly easy to make especially among hyperactive children. However, the therapist will need to learn to look carefully for the more subtle patterns of inattention that may exist in very bright children who do not display the symptoms of hyperactivity. Many of these children may never be diagnosed with ADHD. The combined subtyped is designed to include the child whodisplays a broader range of ADHD symptoms that span all three areas: inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. This subtype tends to be used more frequently with younger children simply because it can be more difficult to differentiate the various symptoms in this age group. It may also be used with ADHD adults who display milder forms of both hyperactivity and inattentions. For the therapist who works predominately with adolescents or adults, the criteria will need to be skillfully interpreted and translated regarding the behavioral variations for older adolescents, young adults and older adults.

This excerpt was taken from Family Therapy for ADHD by Craig A. Everett and Sandra
Southbury, CT 06488




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