Bryon Remo Primer on Teenage Moodiness

Good parents come from all different backgrounds and with various approaches to working with their teenage children. Some suggest to back off, others to continue holding them accountable and still others to be better listeners. Whatever approach parents customize to reach their sometimes challenging teen there is one phenomenon that is undeniably common among them- they are moody creatures! And their behavior or attitude is not always linked to recent events. Sometimes they are just simply moody. PERIOD! It's called adolescence!

Whether folks consider such information as useless or fatalistic, it is always helpful to avoid thinking that every parenting problem has a witty well thought out intervention. According to Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT of West Hartford and Southbury, "The teen years are marked by chronic internal and external chaos. There is great enthusiasm in coming of age, but also great apprehension. Moodiness is a natural companion to such conflicting emotions." Adults are well served to turn down the intensity of their responses when their teenager's behavior deviates from the norm. They are constantly experimenting and replacing norms with new ones. This can be quite frustrating to parents who work hard to put structures in place to help their teen be successful.

Parenting teens is challenging especially when such a group isn't always receptive to being parented. Remo notes, "If parents can withold their advice long enough for their teen to feel listened to, they may actually want their feedback. The problem is that parents are often restless and want behavior change more immediately." Parents who listen first and speak 2nd are often able to get more insight into their child's behavior. They might even just remember being a teen themselves and that all behavior doesn't always have to make sense. Sometimes it just needs to come to pass. Aren't we all a little moody?

Bryon Remo has a private practice in West Hartford and Southbury, CT

Bryon Remo Primer on Promoting Sibling Closeness

Many parents have grown up with stories of constant teasing, competing and jockeying for power with their siblings. These stories are often viewed as a “typical” part of childhood development within a family. Yet despite parents awareness of past sibling squabbling, they long for their offspring to have a closer relationship with less contentiousness and a greater appreciation for one another. Bryon Remo notes that parents today are so overwhelmed that the little aspects of parenting, which promote sibling closeness, often gets unattended to because of other demands. Yet it takes very little effort to send a daily message to one’s kids of the importance of kindness, sensitivity and forgiveness. When parents put the extra time into creating rituals that promote closeness, they often experience the joy of such efforts unexpectedly. Remo notes that he developed a system in his home in which he promotes 5 key points of emphasis that he wants his children to focus on- taking care of their minds, taking care of their bodies, taking care of their home, spirituality and caring for others. The emphasis of these is often on the caring for others piece, in which he rewards his children not simply for doing household tasks, but for being extra benevolent, thoughtful or caring to each other. Children want to please, but they often are at a loss for ways that they can express such. Bryon Remo suggests that parents take note of children’s natural tendencies and create opportunities for kids to further express their kindness with one another. For instance, if your child enjoys helping you or your spouse cook, have them cook something that they then serve to their brother or sister and pretend they are their waiter. This will allow them to be involved in something they enjoy that can also benefit their siblings. Siblings can and should be close but parents have quite a bit of say in how this will unfold. Bryon Remo is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford,CT. He also serves the communities of Oxford, Watertown, Woodbury, Seymour, Roxbury, Brookfield, Roxbury, Monroe, and Danbury.

Bryon Remo Primer on Promoting Children's Resiliency

It's amazing how some kids can fail repeatedly at some tasks and seem not only unfazed by their failure but appear motivated by it. And yet others who face the slightest resistance are ready to throw in the towel. Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist in Southbury, Connecticut notes that each child has a certain level of resiliency that is not always easy to understand. Yet resiliency can be promoted for those that seem to possess very little.

Children engaged in activities that are competitive often depict a broad range of behaviors at the hands of defeat. Some are completely indifferent, while others agonize over games that have nothing of consequence attached to it. Remo notes that it is important to teach kids to view failure as healthy and essential to growth. Too often adolescents grow up expecting to win at everything not realizing that success takes a lot of hard work.

Building resiliency in kids means giving kids an opportunity to make sense of the missing ingredients that may promote their success. Bryon Remo's work as a therapist with young people often centers around teaching children to reframe their view of failure as an opportunity for later success. He suggests that kids need to be taught to be graceful at losing, but to also benefit from their sadness.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT practices in Southbury and West Hartford, CT and serves the communities of Watertown, Oxford, Naugatuck, Monroe,Woodbury, Seymour, Thomaston, Torrington, Roxbury, Bridgewater, Brookfield and Danbury, Connecticut.

The Benefits of Competition in Children

Bryon Remo Primer on the Benefits of Competition Among Children

In today's kid world, competition is often frowned upon or at least viewed as less important than other virtues as sportsmanship, comraderie and fairness. And though few would disagree with these ideas being most relevant, the idea of winners and losers has taken on a venomous perspective among many parents. Parents who believe that childrens' self-esteem hinges on social equitability and an "everyone gets a trophy" perspective fails to see that the adult world isn't always quite as generous.

There is nothing that pleases me more that witnessing my kids engaging in sports play with others and developing friendships. They learn numerous values about teamwork, unselfishness, commitment, humility and persistence, etc. But they should also be learning that life is at times highly competitive and that it is ok to work hard and pursue success. Although this should not come at the expense of the aforementioned values, it is essential that kids learn that they can pursue an "edge" early in life without feeling ashamed or apologetic. The reality of life is that 31 teams did not win the Superbowl and each of the losing teams can handle loss with grace and motivation for next year or they can pout and be bitter. Either way, competition will roll on whether we like it or not.

Losing can give kids the opportunity to see that success takes a lot of work. And, the reward of achieving should feel wonderful because of such commitment toward success. Self-esteem can and should be cultivated in numerous ways with children; not through having them falsely believe that competition should end without any heartache. Losing stinks! But adults can teach children how to lose with grace, how to benefit from failure and how to someday look back on the gift of competition. That is of course, if we don't shield them from its reality.

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury and West Hartford, Connecticut.

Teaching Adolescents Mindfulness

Parents have a gazillion balls to juggle these days with little time for their own self care. Needless to say, it is important for parents to manage their time wisely. This often includes helping children and adolescents do the same. And in the process of helping our youngsters, it is vital to teach them how to become increasingly mindful- especially with the things that we no longer should have to.

Many times when kids are finished with meals they dash back to their previous activities. And typically parents will give them a gentle reminder to clear their plate as they go while other parents may have expectations that they help further with cleanup efforts. Once the expectations and routines are established, parents would be well served to teach their kids to be more mindful of these various responsibilities in their lives. For instance, constantly reminding your forgetful child to bring his plate over to the sink has a very different message than asking him, "What do you need to do before returning to playing? Even though it would be more convenient to skip this step and simply tell them what to do, it is in the question rather that the statement that develops the seeds of mindfulness. If kids never have to think for themselves because their parents are constantly managing their lives, they will choose mental complacency simply because it is the path of least resistance.

Parents simply need to challenge their adolescents to become aware of their responsibilities by asking questions to get their kids to think, plan, organize and take action. There is no better place to practice than in the home and no better place to observe the beauty of your child's development.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT


Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, West Hartford, Watertown, Oxford, Monroe, Seymour, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Teaching Adolescents an Optimistic Internal Dialogue

In recent years psychologists have discovered that pessimism is a trait that is able to be changed. Many cognitive psychologists have developed technologies for changing the thinking habits that many people fall into when they begin to flounder. Often these techniques can be taught by parents, teachers and therapists and works particularly well for school aged children. Teaching someone with negative or even depressive energy to change their thinking habits can be a tiresome process, but one that must be done.

Many therapists ask the question, “When does depression begin? What makes some kids more vulnerable to it than others? Why are some kids more resilient than others?”According to research more than a quarter of kids are significantly depressed at any given time, and at least 20 percent of kids experience more severe depression at least once during a 5 year period.

Once kids experience bouts of depression their likelihood of becoming pessimistic grossly increases. In addition, depression is likely to go away gradually overtime whereas pessimism is not as likely to shift. Once the teenage years emerge, if a child has already experienced some level of depression he or she is at great risk to re-experience it again. Research also suggests that many children first become depressed when their parents started fighting with each other. Parental conflict, changing family dynamics and poor communication skills between divorcing partners are heavy risk factors for the emerging teenage child.

It is not enough to merely teach kids to be optimistic in the face of conflict. Adolescents need ways of handling social situations as well . A combination of cognitive skills along with social skills will help kids become equipped with the tools to handle life’s setbacks.

Many parents, teachers and even therapists in the past 25 years have been tirelessly trying to help bolster kids self esteem. This has often been done through emphasizing how a child feels. Although this is an important part of the equation, it is simply not enough . Adolescents need to be taught how to master skills, overcome frustration and boredom and learn how to persist where they previously had given up. Parents and teachers are actually making children more vulnerable to depression when their sole emphasis is on self-esteem building at the exclusion of the aforementioned.

When praise is constantly echoed throughout each class and within the halls, as well as on every poster and every progress report and report card, kids soon learn to ignore such flattery, receiving it as less than sincere. Kids may wonder, “If everyone is special, then how could I be too?”

Encouraging motivation and optimism requires our own authentic optimism. But it also means helping kids develop the internal dialogue that will lead to the self-motivation, self-confidence and optimistic adolescents we hope our children to be. Teaching kids to accept frustration as part of life and developing the thinking to overcome this natural process is necessary to develop healthy and resilient young minds.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT
Bryon Remo practices in Southbury and West Hartford and serves Watertown, Oxford, Roxbury, Monroe, Naugatuck and other surrounding communities.

Adolescents, Parents and the CAR...

It is no surprise that parents experience both joy and pain at the thought of their child taking out the family truckster for an independent spin around town. Parents cannot nor will they ever be able to obtain 100% confidence that their child's driving outcomes will go undaunted. This is because they must share the road with others whom are deserving of criticism and thus fear for our children's safety. Nonetheless parents must resonate an heir of confidence of their child's ability to handle responsibility.

Teen driving is challenging for parents because it represents one of the many forms of parents needing to "let go." This letting go thing stinks for parents because much good love and guidance has gone into the wonderful child that has been so carefully reared. Enter the car- and now variables that go beyond parental teaching come into play. What will others' influence be on my child's driving decisions? Will my child's friends pressure him into reckless behavior? What's the driving behavior of other teens like at night? Why can't I feel confident in my teen when I know he is responsible?

The car represents a rite of passage for millions of young people. Parents have the opportunity to make this milestone an exciting and memorable experience for their teenager. There is a need for parents to blend both verbal wisdom with practical hands-on experience when teaching their children about the in's and out's of driving. But once the knowledge and experience is imparted it is time for the adults to turn over the keys with confidence and have a little faith in the beautiful uncertainty of life. There is never a guarantee in how circumstances will develop, but there can be a guarantee in how your teen experiences your trust in him. The confidence you have given him may go a long way in making those choices that will prove parenting to be the most important job in life.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT

Bryon Remo is a licensed marital and family therapist practicing in Southbury, CT.